DreamerSupreme
on Black Beach by Caducus
7 Jan 2004, 2:13 PM
Great work caducus, twas a good read. Nine.
Very sexual but has a wicked awesome twist at the end
Good, Awesome beginning, but i got kinda lost in the middle some where
Yes, some nice imagery. I do agree with Frass' comments, however. I personally have trouble when a metre is established or implied in a rhyming poem like this and then the poet strays from it so radically. It ends up feeling imbalanced and amateurish. It's best either to free it up completely, or choose your words very carefully and stick to the metre.
No, you don't have to have a goal, but I figure everything has a purpose- no matter how inane that purpose might be.
I had the same goal when I wrote Dance in my Golden Shower. Tis how I broke the writers barrier.
coffee = water. But we all know my opinion there..
Goal? I'm supposed to have a goal?
No, I suppose funny wasn't the goal. The goal was to write something, anything, no matter how crappy it was, because my mind was for some reason unable to function around two cups of coffee. A very odd experience.
Well, its a poetic word.. (well, personally, I think hallmark has ruined it)
Hell, you could make a poem by just writing "moments" and nothing else, and have a good chance of getting away with it.
heres a contribution to your fascination:
moments
between golden splashes
and amber tears
is where peace is found
before the dreaded eye sting
and the smell of cleanliness.
Oh, and heres a 7.. it was funny I think, though I'm guessing that wasn't exactly your goal. :P
cute, very cute. :)
I do seem to like that word, though. Certainly not the first poem I've overused it.
nice journey (to "the conscious reunion with (your) love").
i love this.
here goes nothing. ;) That lets me fix the title and one spot where I had a double space for no reason other than twitchy fingers.
I second that. Because this poem has guaranteed nentwined to face molestation charges from "moments".
You know, we could of done this mathematically.. Loop 1sec + 1.
Don-Quixote
replying on Waiting to inhale (Stardust & God's Black Nostril) by Don-Quixote
7 Jan 2004, 8:36 AM
A yellowed snowman!??!?!
I shall keep it in my fridge to preserve this honor forever and ever and ever. (Its genuine golden urine right?)
Oh religion never loses its comic value, atleast not for me. Not really bitch-slappin em.. well cept for the pope, but hes a little man in a big big cosmic coke machine.
I did this piece while thinking "what if I was god? What would i be doing/thinking at this moment? etc"
Then stars turned to cocaine and my all-powerful lightbulb pointed me to the light. Hence God V2 "Scarface Edition"
Also, I just love it when people say I'm victimizing the simple-minded & faithful... Theres no better feeling than feeling like an asshole to the core.
I think you can just delete it call it a day.
I dunno, religion is tough to pick on with a straight face anymore. Kindof like bitch-slapping someone with a learning disability for not knowing linear math; tough to tell who's more retarded.
To do it in a non-informative way - without explanation, is adopting the same philosophies that a believer relies on.
Not that I don't do the same damn thing.
That having been said, I find this entertaining enough to give it a yellowed snowman (courtesy of SupremeDreamer).
Why, thank you :)
Hey, whats your take on waiting to inhale?
yeah, the last line sucks. I couldn't figure out how to end it. Any suggestion? Or just fine without the last line and nothing else?
I really can't spell break. that sucks.
one moment and I'll fix that. I'm just not sure which one (moment). la. ;)
I've had a few pieces in print, but overall no. still working on it.
more.
I like how you suckered me into the rythm of it - but I could do without the last line.