J.B. Manning
replying on Wanting by J.B. Manning
10 Oct 2003, 12:01 PM
I didn't have to think about it. That's a pretty obvious fact. Since you can easily break through an egg with a pen, but I don't think you can break a pen with an egg. Unless you use one of your super powered golden turkey eggs.
*comical...
It's been a stressful couple of weeks and I've been WAAAAAy too serious. So I wrote it for the sake of commical comments. lol.
Mr. Blue collar is actually a third person representation of my father and uncles. I've never held a 9-5 job longer then a week. I'm the minister's boyfriend.
Some unique sense persuasion occuring here.
if you add the word no between each of the words in the title you would have written a short poem about my life.
In parts a similar vein to Tintagiles stuff - that can't be bad.
Lose the line about the blue collar sleeps as only we who know you know that.
Ahh unless of course your pajamas have blue lapelles - but you strike me as going 'commando' when u sleep.
Just don't ask me why i think these disturbing thoughts.
Abuse of the humble apostrophe (or in this case, underuse) reaches new heights.
This is one fucking big speed bump I just can't get past!! Only kidding, I would never play such a childish game with you. This work obviously did not take much effort but sometimes the best stuff we do is the shit that just comes off the top of our heads. This was amusing..And yes, I do love you...now don't be naughty..not in that way...Peace JB
"brownness" is a difficult word because one doesn't know whether pronounce it "brown ness" or "browness". In fact, it was for that very reason (the consecutive occurrence of the same consonant) that the world famous magician and entertainer Paul Daniels actually changed is first name from Ted to Paul. May I suggest you replace "brownness" with "brownliness"?
The only better title I can think of is "beer, beer, beer" (j/k).
Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.
and spelling
thanks christof, I will be thinking about strenthening some of my language.
I think Darky is right on the money with this one. Each verse seems to take the reader off to a new place...without ever returning...it all seems so disjointed. However, the imagery and harmonic flow is outstanding. Then again, I could be an idiot and you a genius... I continue to be amused and somewhat perplexed by our preoccupation with religion...particularly the rancid descriptions of christian worship that dwell on this website. I wonder what lies at the bottom of this perverted preoccupation. With all there is to talk about..why..why..why... -10- for style -3- for substance... Remember....Starkist likes tunas that taste good not tunas with good taste.
I haven't seen any of your others, but this one isn't too bad,
but there's one extra syllable in the first line.
and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).
Yep, a good pay off in that last stanza - you brought it round well, because the preceding few lines sound a bit gauche and awkward, but in the event that was just the tone you wanted so you could undercut it with your final sentence. Cuning.
You rule, thanks.
I like the last line a lot, but 'bull-mo- just sounds wrong - I think you want something a little more guttural, less weak.