It's light, fluffy and melts in my mouth. take out the word 'the' in the last line.

Much better than the rose one. I'd take out the line spacings and all of the commas. It seems to me that the places you put commas should have been line-breaks.

cuts me to the core of my being. translation...choke yourself.

Don't take his anti drug propaganda to heart young one. Even Ashcroft likes a cocaine enima once in a while. the problem with dark angel and drugs is simple, notice. Wheelchair no sexlife __________ X ____________ = A BAD TRIP constipation Mechanical charisma Could you imagine? Da, (in mechanical voice tripping balls) -- Waht are you staring at? 7-11 guy -- (hindu voice) pardon me please? Da-- I said what are you staring at towel head, quit looking at me like you want to buff my spokes, or clean my trachianomy tube vishnu, DAMN YOU. (he hits the button to activate his evacuation harness) Hindu #2 -- That gross fucking mechanical dolly enbrowned my freshly waxed an sealed linoleum. I hate 4x4 with harnesses an angels, especially when they are stoned.

Grow six more legs and lead them in their invasion. Squat thrust and peel back your face.

shakespeare requires slow reading.. more time than I have.

It's good, but it aint that good. 7.

Nicely done.

Wow drugs man drugs shit have you got any drugs let's go get some drugs I've never had drugs before yeah well that's because you're only 12 here have this cigarette paper i've rolled into a tube shit man shit what if the feds see this whoa thats underground meth where did you get that it's totally hardcore fuck wank [_] AABB rhyming scheme [_] About romantic love [_] About poetry-writing [X] About suicide or self-mutilation [_] Arbitrary indentation [X] Arbitrary line breaks [_] Autobiographical but in the third person [X] Clerical errors [_] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair) [_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.) [X] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments [X] Devoid of rhyme [X] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices [_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery [X] Drug references [_] Elves, unicorns, etc. [_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits' [_] Insipidly whimsical or zany [_] Leaving rant [_] Lower case only [_] Melodramatic [_] Naively religious or superstitious [_] Obsessed with femininity [_] Overabundance of ellipses [_] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc) [_] Pointedly unanswered questions [X] Protagonist has a smug name [_] Rage against the machine [_] References to the author's 'social life' [_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea [_] Sanctimoniously moral [_] Sentimental [_] Self-pity [_] Thesaurophilia [_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons [X] Vicarious wish fulfilment

[X] AABB rhyming scheme [X] About romantic love [_] About poetry-writing [_] About suicide or self-mutilation [_] Arbitrary indentation [_] Arbitrary line breaks [_] Autobiographical but in the third person [X] Clerical errors [X] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair) [X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.) [X] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments [_] Devoid of rhyme [_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices [X] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery [_] Drug references [_] Elves, unicorns, etc. [_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits' [_] Insipidly whimsical or zany [_] Leaving rant [_] Lower case only [_] Melodramatic [X] Naively religious or superstitious [_] Obsessed with femininity [_] Overabundance of ellipses [_] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc) [_] Pointedly unanswered questions [_] Protagonist has a smug name [_] Rage against the machine [_] References to the author's 'social life' [_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea [_] Sanctimoniously moral [X] Sentimental [_] Self-pity [_] Thesaurophilia [_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons [_] Vicarious wish fulfilment -9-