Bachus
on reflexion - dayspring to dusk by DreamerSupreme
17 Sep 2003, 11:44 AM
Interestinely
Musk is obtained from the musk deer my friend, but all animals and people have their own smells and muskiness. And Pheremones are odorless to the nose but not the heart.
i was afraid of that. :)
lines are a bit too tricky, just because I'd rather be sure you mean what's written when reading. But ... that could just be how my mind is working at the moment. I enjoyed the poem regardless. :)
Manner is correct, die is correct also...it's kind of a tricky line meant to mean what it means as it's writen, whatever it means to you.
Thanks
PS2 - Aggressive Inline character
My roomate joined us for dinner and the next morning informed us as to his experiences over the gas he claims was from the garlic mushrooms. It was probably the dairy of lasagna.
Gshcäft (Disguised as Deerfly): "and yet you skipped over my babelfish poetry?" :)
pleasantly fun. a couple points where I'm not sure if you meant what you say or not (manor or manner? both make sense... "a wisp of wanting breath?" waning? or... I can kinda see wanting, but not quite a wisp of it. leaning towards wanting "separated by our thoughts" to be "separated by our thought" ...
"die" into the depths, or "dive" into the depths? cna see both, but it's not entirely clear that it's not a typo.
7.5, leaning towards 7 for now.
Thanks! I edited it. HAHA, I hate when I let those overly poetic attempts to sound mystifying get in the way of real writing.
I really enjoyed reading this poem!!!
Very well. I have continued my investigation into this strange phenomenon with "Thetis (fragments)" by someone called Titingales, or something.
flow suggestions:
"and doin' the rounds" (drop "the")?
[[why not 13, 15, 18, or thirteen, fifteen, eighteen?]]
(gearing down / keeping control) -> "gearing down for control"
"despite the laws
driving drunk is on the rise"? [nah, not quite] :/
"a means to an end" feels clunky.
"and ontime delivery
of the oxygen keeping grandma alive" (still not quite)
"still delivering a smile" -> "but delivering a smile" (less of a pause, somehow)
8 hoping for more flow, or more pointed stop-and-go (as the <~>-meister states)
my impression was that in his mortal guise, according to christian mythology, jesus has generally mortal limitations, other than the odd miracle. thus the separation of the trinity, or whatnot. have I been misled, or are there such significantly different interpretations depending on your sect?
hilarious. :) 9.
someone's dame. ;)
a bit weak in the end; I think I needed more syntactic sugar (only imagine "that"), and then... the that before "she'd leave" confuses me. bad sentence. no biscuit. ;)
honestly you could drop the last stanza entirely and I think it would be stronger for it. 15/20. Hmm.
I like it. It works. But I'm gonna offer a critique as well: musk is from oxen. Was it ox for dinner? Pheromones is far less visceral than any other word in the poem. I can't smell it. Perhaps:
I lowest growl of hot flesh on your cool.
:bows:
yeah, I've got a bit too much traffic myself, but... at least I'm just dodging cars on a motorcycle. I'd hate to actually have to sit in it. (daily #*&$(#$ commute; 10-15 minutes if traffic's moving. 20-30 if it's not (on a motorcycle, being relatively safe). up to an hour, with a car, in such circumstances. or three, if it's really bad.
thank you. :)
Tis fine. Even though I misread/rewrote the last line as I read it: Too proud to scrawl.
I love pain. 9/10.