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on When He's In Me by J.B. Manning
21 Aug 2003, 7:03 PM
nice build-up. i especially like "sweat so sweet that sour seems discreet".
typo: steel, not steal, right?
also: "Pain
Sparks
In my mind
Lightly slightly
Stimulates
And separates
Us from them"
who is us and who is them? gay/straight? something else? maybe it doesn't need to be explained, because this is about the heat, and i'm not wearing my inflammable cat suit tonight.
oh well.
i felt like i was reading a story when i read this, i'm not sure if that's good or bad.
not big on the way it begins. it seems too jumpy and not in the good way.
hrmm. your right, theres lots of profit in murder. ok bastage, ill write a murder poem..
heres a nine
According to a recent Dear Abby that I couldn't stop myself from reading, 1 in 5 Americans have herpes. 20%! (Abby told the wife not to stay with her cheating husband who gave her the herpes - said she ought not fear that she'd never find a man who would "have her" because of her herpes- since there are so many more out there with herpes.)
You forgot private, for-profit prisons (if you have money to invest in stock, and you don't care about what atrocities you are encouraging, this is the place to make some money) and the psychologists and social workers who evaluate the convicted murderers when the death penalty is in question. S'quite lucrative.
SUMMER POEM: The woman at the court asked me if my vegetables were fresh so I blew smoke at her and then I woke to found my fingertips wrinkled from the nectarine pit I was holding.
Uhhh...I think if he read this, he'd laugh in your puffy-eyed face! Nonetheless, this takes neurotic to another level. 6.
I believe the term was "perfect"
"Enter my world of unstructured poetry"
Lightly slightly - pick one and move on.. please dont repeat the same thing twice for a sing line.. its redundant..
Not a bad erotic write.. but i think you could revise this to a much better output.. up to you anyway.
blessed with 8.
not a bad rant.. 8.
Im more inclined to let the bitch live and introduce her to my friend that has herpes. ;)
Did you know people with black lights are 65% more inclined to kill a cheating lover than those with soft white lights?
ice scream.. nice, i love that. 10.
Could you talk more about the opening of legs?
look, im no musician.. but my english teacher from the first grade could inform you of this fact:
every piece of writing needs a damned beginning/middle/end...
uncooked due to it being a song? luckyjoe, dont blab stupid crap like that.. look under horus8 and check out some of his lyrics, you'll find that they are quite well cooked, and they have a beginning!
Look around for other lyrics, explore this world.. youll find that any lyric worth a fuck isnt going to be without a beginning.. this is basic english class lessons man..
1: point taken.
2: Thats not true.. the smart ones move on... if they get involved with a cheating whore in the first place, then that should be a clue concerning intelligence..
If i write a gory murder poem or something around that nature, will you stop bugging me about murder?? eh?? what the fuck made murder a #1 priority in your head at the moment? I'm really wondering why you have this current fascination..
... commiting suicide because your mother drinks? CMON, get the fuck over it, get up, and LIVE... bleh.. heres a 7.
Worship the air I breathe
just to inform you, your suffocating.. and your breath stinks, i dont worship such bad smelling oxygen.
heres a 6