poetandknowit
on Weeping Willow by LuckyJoe
8 Aug 2003, 10:29 PM
Clichés ruin both poems; although the idea is not necessarily empty. Try cutting down on the heavy handed word drama.
Rather vague. And the "that" alone on a line has got to go. I see where you might be going with it, but you might try and clear it up a bit.
A little harsh on the crit there don't you think? I mean after all, its not as bad as say, Museheart, or anything now is it?
I cannot believe I read that.
Damn, I really like the first part because it really bites as satire. the play on the cake is a great idea. Then you pull and Sinclair and make a statement at the end; become a bit rhetorical. I think you should try keeping the tone of the beginning all the way through. Keep the humor, Make it hurt.
http://www.salon.com/media/1998/09/01media.html
I think you will appreciate this. Every good writer ultimately needs and editor. Even Stan rice had and editor!
I like your mentor's subtlety. A simultaneous compliment and critique if I read it right. Do you think any of these words are ill chosen for their purpose?
The last sentence is basically a list of all things left in the room: a carcass, a head, and all the meningial fluid. Apparently there is enough bilgewater in the head to drown us and the head it is contained by.
thanks supreme
I think the dicionaries are incomplete on this matter (oh the arrogance). It is true that a bilge is the part of a boat. This bilge collects water that can become foul and repulsive, leading to the insult of calling someones opinion or words 'bilge' - short for 'bilgewater'. The bilge pump is a pump that removes water from the bilge, and the manual process of bailing water when this pump breaks is sometimes called bilging (although you are correct that no dictionary I can find uses this definition).
thepinkbunnyofdoom
replying on The Bunny, The Wench, and The Troll by Billy Fights
8 Aug 2003, 9:02 PM
Thank you very much Horus. Coming from you that truly is a compliment.
Thank you very much indeed Horus, and I agree. Only I think He likes to make it more personal than that. He likes to toy with them down on a sick perverted almost hostile, and definately Deranged level. He is most certainly a Jew.
Submerged in what? If it's the only thing left in the room? Perhaps, it's submerging into it's own submergence?
As my Mentor would say "You've strung together some wonderful words here."
Still the man with brass balls filled with solid gold dancers. or had his way with solid gold dancers.
There you go #1. Now you can never say I never did nothing for you. Oh, and he's not a lady. He's an alien monkey head in a palanquin that likes to fuck with the Israelites and ragheads.Why I'm here to watch? Is the last of my worrys, and honestly, bores me to death and why religion is an utter waste of time and only works to seperate us as humans, more than color or sex ever will.
I believe this poem to be worthy of much praise and an 'evolving' of your work.
This must be your idea of being sneaky and intelligent, and above it all. I agree.
Fucking good.. i really like this poem. 10.
thepinkbunnyofdoom
replying on The Bunny, The Wench, and The Troll by Billy Fights
8 Aug 2003, 6:09 PM
Its actually Directed at this guy, who thought he'd be a smart ass and challenge me to a fight in my livejournal because I said some mean things about his girlfriend that he never even got to read. Mind you, they were all true things. If you want you may read the comments past between me, the wench, and the troll.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/pinkbun
well written. 8
Nothing like women to inspire a poets pen to write.. nice. 9.