<~>
on Moosefart's Revenge by wwFrasier Allonbyww
4 Aug 2003, 11:00 AM
i wonder if margaret looked before she crossed the street? it seems so few do these days. if you don't like the way poeple comment here on poemranker, don't post. simple. help us gain awareness of mental illness. hahahahhahaha. margaret, when was the last time you spent 38% of your gross on psychiatry? me, it was last oct-dec. made for a really shitty christmas. but i got to take some pretty pills, and i'm still here, right?
if you're reading this margaret, buck up! maybe your sons would respect you if you had a spine.
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
If you've lost any of the comments? I have them all here. Also, Museheart, you should know that I truly do feel that deep down inside... You are a cunt and a tremendous one at that. That was proof. LOL. The Fraser, as always, comes through as a champion. Of what, I've often asked myself, but now I know... A Champion of cruci-fiction.
wow. as a bipolar2 myself, i disown her.
Been there. Some of the rhymes take away from how well you explained the process of becoming the one who hurt you.
nice rhythm. well done.
change breezes presents to "breezes' presents, also "froze" to "frozen"
Change breathe to breath.
No need to remind us of the cliche "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
This haiku made me hungry. Jelouse of the satisfied man on the beach.
I think you mean muscles' pains, unless it is just one muscle that aches.
Opinionated. How much do you know?
Line 2: It's
Line 3: society's code
Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout)
Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness"
self-pity instead of self pity
I like the line about rusted eyelids.
take the ashes of a war
and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes)
and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity"
but a beautiful rainbow
of color just waiting to be realized.
(little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)"
chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth"
I like the last three lines.
This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.
It does insinuate that it is a âroly poly.â That being ecstasy the drug. And I didnât want the questions answered so much as the person reading to question themselves. It is a trash poem, that I know and did know when I posted it. I wrote it about a year ago maybe longer when I was stoned out of my mind. Thankfully Iâm over my whole pothead phase that I went through. It was wrote while I was in one of those stoned mental states where everything seems perfect and so much cooler than it is. Its wrote to sound like its talking about one thing when it doesnât directly talk about any one thing at all. The words were meant to be played so the reader could think something different every time they read it. A year ago when I showed it to everyone and showed them the questions they did think differently every time they read it. As well as made new questions that fit. I think at one time I had a list of around 35 different questions readers made that could have went either way.
There are deffinately stereotypes associated with Marines, but we come from all walks of life. My fellow Marines nick named me Smokejumper because I used to be a fire fighter for the Forrestry Service.
I'll admit that I'm not a typical Marine. However, I think you'd be hard pressed to accurately define the typical Marine.
Thanks for the comments,
Lcpl.Busby,B.W.
nice. especially like, "like a recent victim
on a Lifetime movie. " (but i'd delete 'recent')
http://mulberryfairy
on Parades for cripples (Shit bag) by Thome Plumpe by Bachus
4 Aug 2003, 9:51 AM
Pruney-licious. More typos than you usually permit, Bachus.
I thought the pill was a "pill bug", you know, a "roly poly", (from the lobster family, no less), so I was too grossed out to answer any of your comprehensive questions.
Shouldn't it say w/ "owners' names". I like the ending.