Birdpia
on smile by nolan
19 Jul 2003, 8:25 AM
in your line sixth, there's a typo "sacry" ? and erm, 'zombie' in this touching poem breaks the poem :/ but i like your wording, it makes people touching in some part.. i give you 7
It shows what you meant very clearly and I'm touched deeply... 8, though the rhyme in second stanza looks broken..
If you could pause time... You wouldn't bother to even worry about feeling sorry for yourself anymore. They'd give a commercial, a comic book, a shoe in your image, and then you'd feel like the rest of them, listless and trite. And also, meant something to what? The kids at school? Your dog? Your parents? The world? Please, you're going to make me wheep sheep, big fluffy mutton falling from my baby boy eyes. Those that wait for change, never do. Grab life by the horns not the donuts.
a lot going on here... i like it
a lot going on here... i like it
Maybe you want to check your syllable count?
Interesting indeed.
Here's another ten, that way you'll fit right in with the other shit poets on the best list, because, that's how much your idea of belonging, ranks with me. Maybe one day with the help of all the votes you give yourself, you can run for poemranker mascot, and win a frisbee and free oil change, or a new face and legs that can support 500 lbs. 10!
OnTheOtherHand
replying on The War and Dance of The Undertaker by OnTheOtherHand
19 Jul 2003, 6:15 AM
I took out two stanzas that didn't add anything much. They didn't really work any way.
Hope you like it better now.
a little bit distant for a suicide poem, also you probably shouldn't rhyme so loudly on such a serious issue
OnTheOtherHand
replying on The War and Dance of The Undertaker by OnTheOtherHand
19 Jul 2003, 6:04 AM
It means I was tired :P
like the structure in the first three lines leading to the mind rhyme.
A lot of this is too self absorbed though, I am not drawn into it
a vivid and eclectic write let down by 'crimson' as a metaphor its a bit k-mart. 7
Golden Q-tip Award, i think.
not bad, not bad at all. blessed with 7.
horus is a damn good writer, but i like the oyster/pearl version.. not because its better or anything of the sort, but because it just tickles my g-spot.
I certainly will be happy the day i see it improved. ;)
Like this poem, not much to grab onto in the way of context but nice images and no obvious holes in it