Ranger
replying on Death Of A Rose (New draft) by Mr Pig
27 Apr 2003, 6:42 AM
I think this version is perfect. The imagery is all there (assuming 'imagery' is a word and not something I've just made up).
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10
Ever heard 'The Undertaker's Lament'?
Strange, yet beautiful in a weird kind of way.
I wouldn't trust an undertaker either. 8
Well, thanks for the info. Where has this been done on TV, just out of curiosity?
Any advice for improvements, whoever you are?
How's this:
Well, although she longed for a Prince
My three gifts of happiness, friendship and a
'Get Out Of Jail Free' card
Went unrecognised
Intercepted, perhaps, by the scheming witch downstairs
Either way, I had a kingdom to manage...
Thanks for your continuing advice, hopefully this poem will reflect it. I'll carry on working on this one and edit it a couple more times, and appreciate all the feedback I get. Thanks all.
Simplistic, beautiful and ironic - I loved it. 10
not bad 'tall
I like this better.
this is good
One of your own technical structures?
Interesting, you seem to have changed the tone of the poem wildly by changing one word
very charming
the changing lines of thought work well with the flowing nature of this poem
I think this is 17 syl please clarify kind sir.
Would you like to hear a true story? Once upon a time I bought these water balloons. I filled one of the water balloons up with some water that I got from this tap so that it became really bulbous because it had loads of tap water in it. It felt really squishy and blobby and organic. So I got some lotion and balmilised it. Then I sat there stroking it and saying the words "mmm yes, it's a good breed".
Do not attempt to have thoughts again. Or you may end up with a fridge landing on your face... my God, you'd be killed!!!
Great use of the word "Like". Sometimes a metaphor can be too strong, can't it? May I suggest:
DETH-ROSE
Petals fall like bricks;
piloted by vicious prawnes,
they land on my face.
sounds like a really hyper sesame street character...
Vote for me please! (P.S. You're one of the most confusing, ranting, raving, altered-minded people ive seen on this site. Should be great fun!)
sepulchral, or sepulcher, but not what you have, because it's not a word. Other then that, there are about ten grammaric goof ups and a couple other typos, but it's the thought that counts.
When I first posted this poem i just got allot of negetive junk and was wondering what i could do to improve it, I really like it, but like everything, there is always room for improvement. So if you have any ideas that could make it longer or deeper send em my way.
Where bravery is your wealth? hahahahahaha