THE GOD OF DEATH
replying on The Drunkest ever by horus8
5 Mar 2003, 2:01 AM
btw... yeah you're a poet but you don't need to be a snob about it.
nix what i said about the descrip... it was great. anywho.;
Ok... overall pretty good. Creative rhymes and some really good description. But... if you're gonna use meter, be consistent. If you read it, you expect some more meter. Then again, it could be part of your theme. *shrug* Some of the rhymes are good but too clustered. It's just too much to absorb. The continuity of rhyme and rhythm aren't there but work well where employed. And again, continuity with punctuation is kinda questionable.
Why is flawed two? say it. does it sound like two to you. Would whaled be two too?
Creative use of rhyme... but also maybe a problem? Rhyme can be troublesome when it comes to serious poetry. But I do like your rhymes... creative. You might want to look at the continuity of your explitives. They should be somewhat close in length, but your first one is longer than the others.
KL
I like it
-kl
I remember in third grade I wrote
Save the whales
Save them all
Save the whales
Big and small
I thought I was a genius. I later found out I was wrong.
"All(1)+ people(2)+ are(1)+ flawed(2)" = 6.
Maybe...
"All people are flaws"
It's a little harsher but it fits.
i disrespect the art of poetry? please ~~~~~~~~~~
you are disrespecting everybody with this arrogant, "i'm the best poet and know everything" front . Who the hell do you think you are man? Some people do write poetry as a hobby - not everyone takes poetry as seriously as your tight little ass does. And what's wrong with that? Nothing, so stop acting like you are god's gift to poetry. And stop acting like you are above people like me and durt. Here's something nice and simple from me and durt ... sorry if it's not poetic enough for you : but please shut the fuck up.
Simple and nice. One question. Green air?
I really have nothing to say. I think it's about as solid as it gets. 9. And only cause I don't give 10's.
Well Betty, earlier this morning our buddy Durt here thought he was a poet and came over to my poem, gave it a four, and then made some stupid ass comment like he knew what in the fuck he was talking about when really he didn't. I was willing to let his piece of shit poem slide right by without a word, but then i went and read it and was like that fucker foured me? without having even the common decency to read the piece ( i fucking hate skimmers because they miss key shit then look stupid trying to blame it on late night studying), and well that changed everything. Ask Durt how he would like it if i came into his predentistry testing areas and was like "how can a room be outside?" or the Alovar process occurs when a human being reaches three certain age ranges blah blee blow blee? Really, i can only tolerate so many assinine cross over poets acting like they know what in the fuck they are talking about when they don't. Poetry is a way of life not a tribute to those in need of extra hobbies or shit to do over a boring summer. You disrespect the art form and poets the world abroad by approaching it with that attitude.
You are either born a poet or not. You either write or you don't. There is no fucking middle of the road. I'm sure Durt wouldn't clean one side of someone's mouth one morning while forgetting the other, and then be like, whoops, i'm sorry i was day dreaming about poetry, no, it doesn't work like that.
In all honesty this poem is self serving 'what if scenario' drivel that is wallpaper and fodder for nursing home bathrooms, and hallmark stores. It's like a kid in the back seat asking, "are we there yet?" when they know for fuck's sake that we are not even close! End of story, and Durt you have my permission to correct how i brush my teeth all day long, but please don't try and discuss poetry with me unless you are ready to, and know precisely what it is you are dealing with (other then me the asshole). That's it in a nutshell betty. Penguins don't drink seal blood with polar bears that's the way of the Tundra.
Yeah it should be with in but I don't think that's worthy of an edit. (I'm lazy.)
I'm glad you metioned the content because I want to get that out of the way early. This isn't about God and Satan as dieties or religious figures. Rather it's about "good" and "bad." One way I was taking it was the idea that good behavior doesn't attract much attention. I actually had one of my classmates from highschool in mind. He was a "good kid" and all through high school he was B/C average. Three days before graduation he ran himself into a tree in the car his parents had bought him as a graduation present. He lived through it even though he hadn't meant to. When I asked him why he did it he said "To be remembered." To be honest, I think it worked.
i thought this poem was very honest....i liked it! :-)
hey horus, why don't u just let the guy write his own poetry man? poetry is a form of expression, why are you making it seem like it has to be perfect? I think you guys should just shut up and keep postin poetry ... jeez.
This poem was much more interesting with the other comments. Impressive display at maintaning your credibility and the credibilty of self mutalating cry babies everywhere, may I add. Bravo.
You know personaly i think you did well here.
Last stanza "within" i think would click better. Now, there is a bit of blah as far as the material involved goes (just my opinion i'm sure the bible belt would disagree) but that's the joy of poetry now isn't?
Don't be bitter.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (I typed all those out). This poem isn't supposed to make too much sense. It was inspired by >>http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity1583.h