scitz
on Mother Earth by DewDrop
11 Feb 2003, 4:44 AM
does famring coffee beans for coffee beans make sense though? thats what is bugging me on an otherwise fine piece?
This is one of your more angry pieces, i have awaoke to smell your nicaraguan coffee beans and the aroma will linger for quite some time. Liked where you were going with this,but leave Zeta Jones out of it ....HELLO ! -9
too much said in a generic narrative here, try avaoiding the obvious descriptions of lament. However keep on trying, writing is a friend of solace >5
You need to condense the points you are making because the irony you evoke in this poem is very apt. Catherine Zeta Jones in the outback of nicaragua would be a just sentence, liked the point you so nearly made in this _____7
A chia-pet, that talks. true entertainment chi ching.
because keith richards is a monkey who can play guitar and blabber like a content junkie who has property in Jamaica?
The only thing concrete about this, is that it's not.
Play up the age theme and strengthen the human connection. Quite good.
After a jolly good read, I initially thought this poeme was about a small bean regarder. Was that the intention? Or is it more to do with the tectonic plates that underpin society, having shifted culturally, socially and politically in the previous few years?
I don't like the cognitive path that the stanzas trace. It doesn't really scream "moment in time" does it? I can relate to it, however, since my insomnia has a lot to do with amphetamines. I'm not sure just how you'd cut it back, I'd give you the same advice I gave cadacus - get a very clear conception of what you want to say and how you want to say it and then execute it all in one go.
JESUS CHRIST GIRL I WAS JOKING. POETRY IS NOT MY MEDIUM, IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME, NOBODY READS IT AND IT'S FAR TO EASY TO DO BADLY. THIS IS AN ONLINE DIVERSION.
yo yo yo check this out
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IT'S A BEE IN A CARROT PATCH LOL ASL
come on now. MY smart mouth? you have that over and above me ten fold. surely you see that? give a little quarter. don't begrudge me a corner of your demense.
the web page was set up as an online portfolio for people who want to pay me insane amounts of money to paint their walls. it has not been updated in a while, and probably won't be, since i have too much work as it stands already. so, as for it being poorly designed...? the painting you and -=Dark_Angel=- had fun with is from a children's book i'm shopping around right now. the bee is the main character.
as for being a better poet, i thank you for the compliment. you're not so shabby yourself, but it seems you lack discernment. i am usually amenable to helping somebody who feels like they have something , but can't get over the wall. so, if you're serious about poetry, and want honest criticism, i'll give it. i won't be nice; i won't be smart--but i will be very technical with you.
my mouth is only smart with those i know can volley. so, please take it as a compliment and not as a slap that you have been so abused. i shall be gentler in the future.
p.s.--i'm usually a smart ass when i come home tuned up after a fine night of drinking.
insomnia will do this to you.
this is a first draft. it'll probably end up reduced by half when it's done.
i'd like to hear suggestions for cutting it back.
1. I like the punctuation in this one. It isn't gimickey. 2. You're a far better poet than I am, and frankly I'm the last person in the world to critique painting. My paintings are both ceaselessly confusing subtly facetious. 3. I have no idea if you are fat or ugly, and since your web page has barely any content it is impossible to judge your design skills. 4. I like you and I always liked you but what I don't like is your smart mouth.