<~>
on Starving at Tiffany's by horus8
24 Jan 2003, 12:16 PM
work with me on the damn punctuation, h! you are getting tighter, so i will be harsher, since i'm good at the picky shit. so, CRACK!! tighten, boy! CRACK!!!
and, you don't need the quotation marks on every occurance of the title. my sugg. is to make it a title once, and leave it as a description of a person the rest of the time.
Well, I'm not sure can. Perhaps I stressed the "mans" verbosity
too much but I did wish to convey strongly his opinionated
side which is not really how he feels and thinks inside.
A tempter whose words are strewn about profusely and give the
apearance of deep felt meaning and conviction where there is
none... .In saying "without debate", I meant beyond rebuttal
or reproach and the irony of his words being untrue to his
other self while being perceived as sincere and genuine by
those he "charms" with "honey-coated words." ....Hope this
helps and I too suspect a melding as one grows older and
more introspective. Thanks for your comments and I may make
some minor changes tho not sure.
this is way too fat right now. it's just taking upspace until i can look at it again. (which i can't right now). wanna rip it apart for me? because i think it needs it. i'd appreciate the help. thanks.
Really lovely, a very fine picture can you switch the last two lines around somehow? the second line sounds more like the last note of a sweet sad song.
Seems kind of mundane for a haiku
but perhaps I am missing something.
Still, not bad and better than a
four. Hell, thinking about it,
everything is mundane to a greater
or lesser degree.
DAMN YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK OF THE BROTHERS GIBB AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR!!!
(shadow dancin', bay-bee you do it right...) (eat your heart out, nicholas jones!!!)
Yes, Manifest Destiny. Its all ours
because we say so. Slaughter the
Indians and fight the Spanish and
it's all OK because we say so. And
I fear Bush has the same thoughts,
just the country has changed. A
solid 9 for causing me to think.
It's all OK because we say so.
I apologise for breaking into such a bad song earlier. And all the typos while I did so.
Very atmospheric. As ever, about the gap between reality and perception - or, to use Kantian terms, noumenon and phonemenon. Also, the last line reminds of a song by Half Man Half Biscuit called 'The Light at the End of the Tunnel is the Light of an Oncoming Train'. And anything that reminds me of the mighty merseyside combo must be good!
rock on, nick. rock on.
very nice indeed.
this is the weakest point:
~
A tempter who could speak
without debate,
his opinions most convincingly.
How he would talk--on and on
incessantly,
~
ironically, the language is not convincing.
i particularly like the way you begin this poem--as though your mask is a stranger. it does feel that way, at times. remember that you are the fabricator and the fabricatee.
perhaps old age, and wisdom help us meld the two.
i will not rank until you convince me. nice effort.
And I said what about Brekfast at Tiffanies?
And you said I think I remember the film
And then you said well we both kinds of liked it
And I said well that's one thing we got
Yes, actually it does. I'm in the library, in the postgraduate (i.e students who already have a degree and are pursuing further studies) only computer room. Please also note the start in lower case while the very word PC forces upper case letters to be used.
Yes, The Catcher in the Rye has long been a favorite
of mine. Seems hard to believe it was written in 1951.
Where has all the time gone?
Alright! I'll take the kiss and save the lollipop for
later. Then again, maybe I should reverse that. I never
could save the best for last.
Thanks for the kind words. Probably most poets
can relate to the "other side" though I was not
sure I conveyed this adequately. I guess for some,
I did.
Thank you vulcan. I really wasn't sure on this one
and am pleased you liked it. My other side thinks I
revealed too much but he has always been rather paranoid:)
this is nicer than a little blue box tied up with a crisp white ribbon.
Somebody's been watching a bit too much porn. 'Unscathed boudoir' is dreadfully out of place.