-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on untitled (readjuster) by pomoxo
20 Jan 2003, 9:41 PM
What a curious notion.
Yes.
By the way, you are a filthy wizard.
I assumed you be out running errands
for the Bio power network currently,
but lo and behold, you've graced us with your presense.
I would of guessed you'd be out recycling vegetable oil
for your countrymen's cause
Did I?
How about... squalid? grimey? corrupt and dingy? draggled?
Hmmm.
You forgot to finish your sentence.
Well I cringed when they caught his hand in the door. I thought it was a powerful poem.
I get the feeling there's more depth in this than I'm picking up on. Still, I like what I read.
Deleterious aye? Metal you say? Command? I see. Very well. Good one. Nice ending
I feel if you were to structure it like this:
The re-adjuster's come to town;
warmth collapses into my body.
I've got a shivering grin for
the evanescent sun that's flown in,
dropped by for a quick stint.
A joke it is, I'm laughing
behind my own composite,
He's tweaking me back into
the lucid rut, where I love
to glide and grudge;
the tangible flow of
yet-to-be-set concrete,
flashes of a bridge I knew,
a bridge I could have been
poured into-But, I'm static, evaporating frenetic
indentured to his land
of mirage fields that conceal deleterious metal,
and dissolute strands
of the dirt over which
I once had command
Clever.
ok here goes...
The first line is half good, the first half. try to come up with a more interestng way of saying the rest.
Is it important for the Greek to be sitting? If not just say the Greek..
Contemplating-- morality... Why do you put 'issues such as' in there? These are the things you need to eliminate, these terrible unnecessaries. They work for creating a character's personality, but since this is you talking, and your subject is complicated enough as it is, not to mention you're writing poetry, brevity is your friend.
...and what makes it do real...
...such as the sorts of...
...onto-should be 'to'...
...and what makes it so real(how about and it's reality')...
Oh well got to go libraries closing. I'll get back to it later tonight. The point is you are learning to crawl, and that's ok. Pay attention to those writers you admire, copy their style for a while, your's will emerge.
Liked your second stanza but you lost me in the first - couldn't comprehend lines 4 through 9 and I thought the rhythm was a little stilted in this stanza.
warm and dry, anyway.
Must you give us, New Yorkers, a bad name? cauze....cant.....reminist...its...ill..
Nice. Very nice. And I said that you were an overweight Physics grad student from Cambridge who sits naked and oiled in his Lazy Boy rocking back and forth all while spitting out Physics theory. Here's a lollipop, for this is quite a lovely piece.
I like it. This is much, much, much better than the turtle poem. Here's a 9. I especially enjoyed the last two lines.
Hmmmmmm....at first when I read it I couldn't really understand it, but then I noticed that you were from India. How are you writing in Hindu (I am taking a guess here) and then translating it to English?
It reads like a speech for the Democratic convention. I like what you have to say, but then again I am strongly skewed to the left....7
I gather you're Prince Charles's pedophilic butler. There are worst things like being Mr. Townsend. Although at times I think you might be him as well. You've done it again BobbyJoe...here's some lotion and a lolipop...you're a smart boy now go and figure out what to do with each.
very nice...9