Crakyamuni
on The Elephant Olympics by Yardbird
26 Dec 2002, 1:02 PM
Is that you Dr.SUess?
Talismans--I love talismans. Longer doesn't mean not tighter here--I like the added lines a lot, the playing with sounds, the internal near-rhymes. Regarding lacy crunchings--the image works, and that's the main thing; you're right to keep it. The last line still doesn't seem quite there, but I'm not sure why--that's not especially helpful I know, but there you have it. Nonetheless, this is excellent.
this was a great read. loved it two things.....typo early on become HAS TO BE FIXED, and i would love it more if machines was singular instead at the end...machine. that would be 'heavy'. i'll wait to vote.
that feeling never goes away. sometimes i feel as though i'm being pulled in all directions by different parts of my body, and certain people, and moods..all very normal and healthy natural reactions this time of the year. in fact all year. it's all just a constant test between you, yourself, and the environment you've filled with stuff and people and 'reasons'. What goes down is sure to rise taller and quicker. at least you have talent and skills with a relentless curiosity. your attitude can't be stopped it's more consistent than the phantoms yawn. you'll be fine.
i'm on the fence here, because i believe in what you are saying, but i don't know that it work in this form. i believe that animals are sentient, and suffer. i believe that factory farming dehumanizes us, as much as it disregards the value of life. i see the yellow-crated chicken trucks going by, full and unsheltered at 75 mph in this cold, and i realize that this is not considered unkind. i look around a little--do some reading, and i become a vegetarian for a few years. i lapse, and justify it as 'acknowledging that i am part of the food chain.' and i used to be against hunting. now, i feel like it's the most humane way to get meat. i just don't like to think about it. no one does. but there must be a way to be what i am without contributing to the suffering. please tell me there is.
there is, isn't there?
dammit. i had that in my draft and for got to change it.
yeah. my wall poem led toward home. WTF? i'm not feeling like i have a home these days. all my happy, satisfied poem-protagonists are wishful thinking. see, i'm getting geared up for the new year--worst night of the year. best place to spend it is in the bath. bah humbug.
thanks for the suggestion. i changed it to how it should be. please vote again.
But, for now
i turn back.
Because, we know you're there (home) from the begining...and i'm really prejudice lately against the turning towards home at the end of a poem...i love you regardless though, and believe in your writing with or with out. It's just my insecurities breathing down my mullet.
i'm convinced that it's all the rockin they do while reading accompanied by all of that inverted sexual frustration and cave smoking at high altitudes. see, that's just unhealthy living, bad for the skin.
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
""There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be townhall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."
thanks, those are a couple of my favourite too.
did you cook yesterday? I hope all went well, and
their wasn't to much snow and coldie woldie shiver me timberie weather? (sorry my son has tigger and pooh on so..filters through into my writing) god bleesie. morning people.
Bravo--good for you, Quarton! I like that you didn't make of this an abstraction--it's almost as graphic as it should be. Of course some will classify you as one of the "nuts on the fringe" for it, because that, after all, is the standard unthinking response to anything morally inconvenient. Take an ethical stance on anything, especially here in A-Murka where everything's a commodity, and you must be some kind of whack-job ('Oh, but the bibble gave man dominion over the animals, so who are you to say we shouldn't bludgeon, shock, bleed, slice, torture, slit, and anyway, I don't want to think about it . . .")
Gandhi was right--"You can judge a society by the way it treats its animals."
Fix your typos.
An excellent and thought-provoking piece. Poor Little Johnny; poor brainwashed Little Johnny. Should someone tell him his seven virgins were all fucked by Bin Laden? And that Allah is really pissed. Not enough body bags filled with the bloody remains of innocent Jewish children. Allah Akbar indeed! A nine by my reckoning.
Hee--yes, that's one of my favorites too; it is tacked on the wall right in front of me along with some other gems like:
"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses,"
""If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be townhall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."
OH, so many (and these are pre-selection ones; hardly grazed the iceberg).
Oh, that Wacky Bush & Dick. Little Georgie's got a jihad. Making the pie higher for everyone.
you can see things without realizing you are seeing them--you see what you expect to see. how many people see the color of the light? they see 'light'--generic. look into apartment windows at night sometime--you'll see warm--yellow--incandesant, blue--cold--fluorescent, and white--neutral--halogen--all next to each other. ot's this kind of distinction i am pointing out. i will rework with your other suggestions. i needed pruning help here. thanks mangk.
I looked at this last night quickly (but won't score or comment when sauced and saucy) and it seemed cleaner. Did you repost?
S1: If you see, aren't you taking notice? (Do you really have yews? Not a tree I see a lot.) Is it really a slither you hear? Not a scurry or a scamper or something less "slitherous"? That's such a reptilian word, not one of furry beasts on cold, dry nights.
S3--what is the suffering unseen in daylight? I don't think a crunch can be lacy, though the dirt can be. Love honeycombed.
S4: s/b "bouquet." Like the oatgrass. Don't think "ethereally" works--actually, I'd drop the line and leave the stalks standing unaugmented. Also, "another night" seems to cry for a "but not this night." Dancing in the drought--meh.
Blue-lit labyrinths draws me in, but I don't think it needs the center so explicitly. Pare, prune, tighten.
Get some sleep.
lovely...10 How can anyone give this poem anything below an 8 beats the hell out of me.
"she" is me
Indifferent to what?
cheers. i can't give it a ten because of the sensitive nature of it 'all', but precise writing.e