Bachus
on Dust by Caducus
2 Dec 2002, 1:01 AM
yes my friend, to you, my dust i lend.
i think that could by her problem...she needs plath.
i still can't get past the first line because of the sut. i want to bad though and i will...i hope. give me a hint...all right just kidding...well it's big, but i liked it for a load of a reasons, and hated it for others, but i hate myself so don't feel bad....overall content was well recieved though 7.
I suggest you try reading poetry by
Whitman, Blake, Thomas (Dylan), Frost and others. I also think you should try writing in free verse as your rhyming words are forced which is a common problem. The old masters made it look easy but it isn't. Good luck.
Yes, perhaps more imagery and showing rather than telling.
I meant this to be a "narrative" poem and they are generally
less "poetic" than some free verse formats. Thanks for the
read and comments.
I dunno--I want to like this more than I do. For one thing, it reads more as prose memoir than a poem ("but what is a poem? blah blah blah"). Also, you distance the reader from the experience by the reiteration of the memory--specifically, the use of "I vividly recall," "I remember," "I still wonder"--I think this would be stronger and more immediate without those. Plunge your reader into the experience with you--don't tell, show. I think that's the main problem--you tell rather than show.
Specifically--
I think the third stanza should be pulled--it interrupts the narrative and seems extraneous. I'd probably even pull the first stanza--it's like a first chapter that you write just to get you going, but then, upon re-read, sounds too much like Obvious Intro. Maybe pull it and play with remainder to see if it was necessary? You can get the message that this was your old house just by changing "an" to "our" in the second stanza (or by any number of other methods--"I took shelter that April evening, forty years ago . . . " etc.). I like the central idea of this and, especially, the last two lines, but I think your narrative eclipses your images and experience.
well i just wanted to take this time to say....i'm sorry for being such a public therapy session skank bastard, and promise you all from now on, and everyone one else too in the good free world, and the ugly brown muslim sess pool, outside our priceless democracy that i'll be nice from now on and eat my dinner like a big boy, and not spit up, or be insensitive, and then overly sensitive in counter...till the die i die, pinky swear. amen....now i'm off to pay (blow) the piper for rent money, toodles..p.s you know..i feel much better now...clean and revitalised..in the mood for gay love..and old man balls stuffed precariously into my mouth...yes it's days like this that make me proud to be a young republican good looking christian warrior of the lord...THE SCROTISMAL EQUINOX!
that's biologically impossible. a fly doesn't have the mental capacity to understand, or be effected by, the introduction of lysergic acid into its blood stream. it would die before it could fly. unless you could hit it mid flight with a squirt gun. interesting.i
you are ill man, get a life.n
mmm...fetus-gingerbread. delicious and nutritious. why exactly do you come here to feebly insult me? hey...that was YOUR mom that i beat to death with that brick to reanimate for my zombie army. i imagine that was your poodle too. oh well, i'm sure you'll find other family to do. stop being a loser. now. quick!
Plasticgirlwithgun
replying on A certain kind of misanthropy. by Plasticgirlwithgun
1 Dec 2002, 3:49 PM
Uh thanks.
very funny...excedingly lovely...
zzinnia66..
I will take a look.
hatters hare...
thanks for the comments and you may be right
on Crick and Watson though I believe a majority
are not familiar with the double-helix. Glad you
liked the rhyme scheme.
de nada. it's not so much the technique i take issue with, as it works beautifully for you. i think you could have gotten there more efficaciously. my mood of late has been one of elimination, and my comments are reflecting that. my own writings--well, i am editing down to nil, so i have not been posting as much. i'd be honored if you looked at my stuff. thanks. z
Why do you hate A-Murka? Just kidding. Good strong images. This reminds me a little bit of Langston Hughes "Let America Be America Again":
"I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years."
Science and perception, nice. I think the rhymes and the rhythm work, especially if you read it aloud. I don't think I've seen Crick and Watson "namechecked" in poetry before--I don't know that you really need it in that verse, since it's pretty obvious what you're talking about without it. I like!