horus8
on Fact About the Wind by Ninoy_Instigator
18 Oct 2002, 2:29 PM
just think if you did a i80 and started walking, you guys might meet up in china then, you could feed the pandas and get naked in the bamboo. i hate bamboo. burp.
I am not a big fan of asking questions in poems. Te me a poet has figured something out, gained some clarity or understanding from questions posed and that forces the writing. You seem to still be pondering something and maybe the poem is there. I really like the last stanza and the implied usage of the "what's in a name" is most excellent, but I still think this is a work in progress.
Some of the images are a bit confusing. "greener than leaves" hunting season is in the fall when the leaves are changing, so this loses me. why is he blinded. Did he hit himself with the recoil? "uncradled slivers of blue
shoot heavenward" is confusing. I think I know what you are saying, but it is not necessarily coming across.
She must be exceptionally light. "We talked a little" sounds like small talk, but then you express your deepest love. I would work on that line a bit. It comes off a bit awkward. And also try to remove the passive phrasing in exchange for active voice. It should help the poem move along better and keep the reader more in tune.
tug just ruins this. and you are easy!?
you said funloving, and yes being gay is a crime if you try to obey the bible
Change it around, fer gawd's sake: make your best friend be fear. Then write a poem about that. It could even be amusing.
The ending is bad. Perhaps he doesn't know. Perhaps your justice won't find him. And perhaps he doesn't hate anyone. It could always just be target practice. Or fun. Or something.
'Towards Crips, people have anger' is tripe. Tripe tripe tripe tripe tripe. Now tripe, when well-cooked with salt, pepper, and a little oregano, can be good enough. In this case, it's raw. It doesn't fit the rest -- which isn't very good either. No feeling of dilemma whatsoever. Blah.
Tintagiles
on realities <from above their brilliance is short-lived> by royalflesh
18 Oct 2002, 1:43 PM
I'm assuming that's 'infinities, third stanza from the end line 1. His girlfriend should have a better name than mirrorgirl.
Did he have wings? Wouldn't that create an inbalance while dancing? Wouldn't you be afraid of tripping on them?
Margaret Thatcher as a rapper. That is the greatest thing done to her since they made her appear as Public Opinion in Offenbach's 'Orpheus in the Underworld'.
Hmm, actually, the squirrel one is about the only one I don't like. This is seriously silly, which is good.
You mustn't speak of Nigel that way. He's alive and well I can tell you. I snuck into his room last night after you fell asleep, I hope you don't mind.
yeah me too. my butler.o