UnityMitford
on song of the birds by rainbow
9 Oct 2002, 11:26 AM
something tells me the hawk isn't in pain but is announcing to his buddies that you're going to be dinner. you have "the" twice in the second stanza.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
By the way, just because a line has ended does not mean it requires a comma.
Tintagiles
replying on Ambiguous Love Poem For A Girl I Once Knew by poetandknowit
9 Oct 2002, 11:20 AM
They're the same person, Strider. For someone so wondrously critical, you apparently have some problems with basic writing. Pity.
life-typo
Why would you want to severely criticise the sun, the giver of life ? You also use a lot of " ands" are you ralted to babitt-he uses them a lot to-dead language pilgrim-get a live. I liked the ending it made me laugh, you may have potential, get over yourself first, you are in denial. 7/10
the title is the best part. i thought it was going to have something to do with
Personally, I've never liked inversions. I'd much rather sacrifice the rhyme. I'm a big sports fan. Baseball, followed closely by what is known here as soccer. It a bitch not to score. the inversion kills this for me. I want you to tell me more about the play.
LukeHanney might be paranoid and overzealous, but this works nicely. it's nice when something catches you off guard with its
I am.
Rambling and innocuous, in love with himself or herself and smug.
Yeh, its a bit of alright is this. it seems slightly reminiscent of someone-can't put me finger on it just yet, it'll come to me. Splendid effort old bean-10/10
Your poems are not grand but they are effective. "My self a little happiness..." is very dear to my heart. A sweet and humble philosophy. By the way, youe website is beautiful my son and I browsed through a little last night, he will definitely be benefiting from it. It's very pretty. I will make a point to use the search engine there.
There are good poets here, but it is a matter of patience. I like this, especially the last stanza and the last lines. The tone shift from stanza to stanza makes it work, although I am not sure the first line is such a happy little image. I know it is supposed to be light hearted, but a snowflake hitting a nose, well, usually melts. I
Please my dear god'swife, be not concerned with the life of this shadow... no longer does he dwell in darkness, but bask in the warmth of the light... the darkness of night consumes him no longer, depression wilting away like the rose in fall... you're a very caring person... but fear not, I am not alone on this long road... nor ever again shall I be... caring souls like you shall always be my guides, to steer me from the darkness, forever roaming in the light. :o) hehe, sorry about that... felt a little poetic :o)
Have you never heard of the narrative poem? It's a poem, but also tells a story. Clever, huh?
Hi Rainbow,
Is there a reason you have left out the punctuation and capitalisation, they are one of a poet's tools and give you more scope to express yourself if used properly.
The title is a little misleading here, but the experience is real enough, I have been there, it would be a better poem if you had identified the inner shadow more fully, why should you suddenly become selfconciously aware of your aloneness rather than of the forest's beauty. The answer is all in your mind.
What's wrong with inverting words? Isn't it just another poetic technique?
I favour the meat and potato pie myself. Nice poem, in an ironic kind of way.
People always say, as advice to people who want to write, 'write about what you know'. But that's really limiting - you should write about whatever you're capable of imagining.
how is this a song of birds? sounds more like a diary entry of a teenage girl who needs to get out and live a little.