on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 5:28 AM
I find cupped quite sexy enough. Woof.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 2:00 AM
P&K you were quite right - a couple of little changes have clarified the narrative without, I think, messing up the rhythms too much. Thanks.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 2:42 AM
This is very sombre - you get the tone exactly right. The last stanza is perfect.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 2:46 AM
There's a lot of religious imagery coming up in your work at the moment - it works really well here, the eros/agape dichotomy is so central to our culture I think.
on Simile by *Lyrisick*
2 Sep 2002, 3:38 AM
I quite like the idea of this, but your archaic language leads you into trouble. There never has been such a word as 'thoueth' - you want 'thou' here, although 'you' would be even better - and 'please don't leave none stone unturned' is a double negative - either 'don't leave a stone' or 'leave no stone' (certainly not 'none'). But your structure works well as you run through all the possibilities. Just cut out the medieval language, it's not necessary.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 4:03 AM
Have you been reading Ted Hughes? It doesn't matter either way, the image of crows as fascistic uber-Darwinist nightmares is spot on.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 5:33 AM
As for the 'mutes' - you could have an adjective at the end of line 1 rather than a plural noun, especially as you go on to use an adjective with the lover's hands. For some reason calling the hands 'mutes' is slightly comic, whereas with the adjective you get a nice 'mute swans'etc sort of allusion. Interesting that the 1000 languages are in prose but there's a sonnet in his hand - but that's just me being pedantic.
on Z higher of arts by ==Doylum
2 Sep 2002, 6:14 AM
These are funny and I like the way you've forced the rhymes to comic effect, but none of these buggers scans properly.
on overwhelmed by nentwined
2 Sep 2002, 6:19 AM
Hey nentwined, I know you run this site and all but i just clicked on random five times and evry poem that came up was one of yours! Nevertheless, I like this, even that strange parenthetical section.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 6:27 AM
I hate those gravel-throated bastards.
on Z higher of arts by ==Doylum
2 Sep 2002, 6:29 AM
Of what?
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 8:01 AM
Mrs G, most kind - my email does sometimes do funny things, just try emailing again. It's a bit temperamental I'm afraid.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 8:11 AM
But don't get me wrong - I think this is very sexy.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 8:21 AM
Interesting...in the last 2 lines I'm referring to the swan who is put out because of the people's neutral fascinating with rubbish and heat rather than with the bird's own pristine beauty. It's so illuminating to see how other people rea thing sthough, and there's no reason at all why this shouldn't reflect back on the narrator.
on Stop it I'm Dizzy! by Lenore
30 Aug 2002, 8:46 AM
This would make a great song - early Dylan kind of thing.
on some deleted poem
30 Aug 2002, 8:26 AM
Holy Christ. That makes me feel quite strange. Yikes. I need a cold shower.
on Ionic Winter by david
30 Aug 2002, 8:32 AM
In what way are you Macbeth? Have you just been off killing kings? Seeing your best friend's ghost? Meeting witches? What?? This infuriates me.
on Untitled. by LucidRevelation
30 Aug 2002, 8:41 AM
very good. I like the way the alternating long/short lines reflect the breathing and the sensuality of the smoke. Not that i condone such a revolting habit. Just say no, kids.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2002, 3:43 AM
This has timeless qualities. It's hard to write this kind of natur4e reverie these days and you've pulled it off.