on some deleted poem
22 May 2007, 11:11 AM
Verses 1 and 2 are wordy and weak. The rest is good.
on The Sunnyside of David Uden by lukehanney
30 Apr 2007, 2:49 PM
Please don't vote for yourself, especially with a 10; and do use apostrophes where grammar demands, not just where you want them. I'd give a 7, but 4 instead, to balance your 10.
on Castle of Pandas IV by FreeFormFixation
30 Apr 2007, 2:53 PM
"awaker" doesn't cut it. And the last two verses wander off somewhere. The first 4 verses are nice.
on again it happnes by skaskowski
30 Apr 2007, 2:59 PM
Clean up the first sentence. Quit a whimsy, dream or trip.
on requiem for the dead generation by Prince of Void
1 May 2007, 9:51 AM
A strangely familiar feeling about the now-ended cold war with Russia. Or is it over?
Look at my recent poem in your name.
Look at my recent poem in your name.
on Broken Clay by donmiguel1960
16 Apr 2007, 7:04 PM
There's a good sentiment here that could be a good poem. Get rid of half the commas (faith, that - for example); clean up the grammar; and get rid of excess words (now in the last line, just in the penultimate line) and fix the spelling - families, their.
on Fraser Allonby Quidnam Cruris by Stephen Robins
10 May 2007, 12:55 PM
There once was a blob named Dovina,
Christ, you'd have wept had you seen her,
All of that weight,
Squeeze into four feet and eight,
She had the combined mass of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Pedaling west, halfway across Virginia
tomorrow I'll crest the Appalachians
just 3500 miles to go
can you imagine the ruts in pavement?
Where's Fraser? Haven't seen him all day.
Christ, you'd have wept had you seen her,
All of that weight,
Squeeze into four feet and eight,
She had the combined mass of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Pedaling west, halfway across Virginia
tomorrow I'll crest the Appalachians
just 3500 miles to go
can you imagine the ruts in pavement?
Where's Fraser? Haven't seen him all day.
on Snow by MacFrantic
10 May 2007, 12:57 PM
The first four lines portend a good poem, but the rest only continues to portend, never getting to the snow
on The Wingman by John Rambo
10 May 2007, 1:00 PM
That isn't why. It's what you can get.
on The boomerang holiday by INTRANSIT
10 May 2007, 1:05 PM
It's aged and antique compared to your style, but has a nice ring and a good point.
those "who" think us . . .
"fallest greenest" is just silly
those "who" think us . . .
"fallest greenest" is just silly
on Altitude by half.italian
10 May 2007, 1:09 PM
Can't see the point of this.
on some deleted poem
10 May 2007, 1:16 PM
The title's cute and clever. And the bird is hero, cannonballs like birdshot. Line 4: "of the sky"
on Final Moon by Caducus
10 May 2007, 1:27 PM
Really like; "My eyes, slave wet, journeyed through yours." Been there, done that; and that's what makes a poem.
Do you mean "voile"?
Do you mean "voile"?
on garden spite by skaskowski
16 May 2007, 4:08 AM
Start with "I rip down the gate . . ." But for what reason you want to do this I can't see.
on behind the banister by FreeFormFixation
16 May 2007, 4:12 AM
The colons in verse 1 are just silly. Do you mean hopped?
The rest is pretty good, but too much repetition.
The rest is pretty good, but too much repetition.
on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta
18 May 2007, 1:24 PM
Like a psalm. David's were just as honest.
on The Ascent by somemorepoetry
21 May 2007, 12:51 PM
I hope this is about a real mountain experience. It sounds like it is, but you hedge too much. Bring it closer to what ordinary people understand, and give up some of the weird language. Sounds like a good story.
on Ode to Jack by Skamper
22 May 2007, 11:09 AM
And poetry is lost - And since romance is the beauty of things far away or gone, let the poetry of who Jack was roll on. May parents were not nearly as romantic during their lives as they are now. I like this.