on husk [hai-crete] by lmp
20 Jun 2007, 3:05 PM
Broken could lose the space.
on some deleted poem
15 Jun 2007, 8:29 AM
Funny because its true.
on rear end of the storm by malpaso
11 Jun 2007, 2:39 PM
Midwest rain will soak you this time of year, but it's a happy kind of soaking when the air is warm. At the front of the cloud is where the lightning lurks and where a lone cyclist or pedestrian sticks up like a rod to catch it, either that or the funnel.
on My Sinatra by sca
9 Jun 2007, 2:39 PM
Sinatra serenades for the suffering secretary - on the radio driving home.
on leaves of clover by lmp
9 Jun 2007, 2:37 PM
"the bees drone on" is a good line because drones do no work. So I wonder at "Drones' labor" Also, the truck would have been loaded with honey, not nect'r or nectar. "we never knows"??? Otherwise pretty good.
on some deleted poem
4 Jun 2007, 8:45 AM
Put "but sets you free" on a third line.
on Call Someone Right Away by jessicazee
6 Jun 2007, 12:09 PM
It's a sad kind of funny. Just enough to make me think so anyway. More detail would help. And it's a bit too prosaic for poetry.
I heard a balalaika played with Russian hands, and would prefer the singular in line 1, makes is more personal. And the possessive friction's in line 2 seems superfluous. Why is the fretted frame splintered? The triangular frame might be splintered, but the frets are on the fingerboard, and splinters would hurt. I like the sound of this, "holy minor fall of Hallelujah" especially.
on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta
4 Jun 2007, 8:37 AM
Is "spice" a color?
Could drop "the" from "the shiny." and "The cotton."
"dreamy paradise" sounds cliche.
the two above comments are good.
Otherwise good.
Could drop "the" from "the shiny." and "The cotton."
"dreamy paradise" sounds cliche.
the two above comments are good.
Otherwise good.
on The Story of Wolf and Moon by Blackshadow
1 Jun 2007, 7:48 AM
Some wordiness,such as "It is a story of true love" could be just "a story of love," similar suggestions throughout.
"Our path, it leads Us to Our fate" is such a common theme that, expecially when said straight out, comes accross stale. Otherwise, some good rhythms and some good lines.
"Our path, it leads Us to Our fate" is such a common theme that, expecially when said straight out, comes accross stale. Otherwise, some good rhythms and some good lines.
on Soul Mate Found by Blackshadow
1 Jun 2007, 7:51 AM
"love that felt so true" and other cliches like "the test of time" detract from otherwise good rhythm.
on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew
28 May 2007, 9:28 AM
numb with self-denial - doesn't show much. And it tries to tell something, but what?
on C. by skaskowski
28 May 2007, 9:32 AM
Seems like some graphic image written in C++. Otherwise, what is the title about?
on essence of a thought by lmp
22 Jun 2007, 5:25 PM
I like the contrasts expressed in the first two verses. Then the pattern changes in S3, driving on with the main point. But I like this too. It's the kind of poem I relate to personally, having had a few thoughts that hit with this kind of power. Very good.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.
example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.