poemranker ::20 most recent comments by Dovina (1081-1100)

Comments byDovina, 1081–1100 back. Include replies

on Moving Out by jessicazee 10 Sep 2005, 5:12 AM
"a tub" in line 3, then a . at the end, or otherwise fix the grammar. Seems like the last 2 lines should move up.
on The Scout by wilco 3 Sep 2005, 7:00 AM
"virgin canvas" has no picture, yet a tale unfolds. Also, "scout" as if searching ahead for some group of people - maybe another word. A way it could have gone, and might go.
on some deleted poem 3 Sep 2005, 7:57 AM
"I think you can find a less overused way of saying "there are birds as far as the eye can see" But I see the picture, and isn't that what matters?
on Dale by INTRANSIT 3 Sep 2005, 9:55 AM
What's left? Black russians, that's what. Far super over White, in every way. I've never taught a man to play darts and then have him beat his father. Maybe you need another lesson.
on some deleted poem 3 Sep 2005, 3:57 PM
Written as if you're drunk. That's ok, just polish it some later. More poetic and all that.
on Lessons(revised) by bellafuego 4 Sep 2005, 11:18 AM
2+2=4 no matter how many times you revise it. The last line, and all but the second, make sense.
on Powerless Dreamer by Beyond_Dreams 4 Sep 2005, 11:33 AM
Smooth

"no sunlight had"
on Untitled by bellafuego 4 Sep 2005, 2:44 PM
Try again when you're sober.
on some deleted poem 4 Sep 2005, 5:23 PM
How do you build a wall between me? It takes two to have between.

You couldn't take your words? How does someone not take their words?

Please don't explain to me what you mean. It matters more how you say it.
on Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac 6 Sep 2005, 6:22 AM
Some good lines, but as a story, it lacks continuity. The German thing comes too late.
on some deleted poem 6 Sep 2005, 5:14 PM
Please omit "now" from the second line.
"you're" in line 3.
"act" in line 10.
"deceive" in line 13.
comma after unfortunately.

on modern death(Debuffeted) by Crakyamuni 8 Sep 2005, 12:34 PM
"sings" in the last line. "gray" unless you're British. A terrible poem, which doesn't mean it's not good. It's just terrible.
on Rambling by terbenaw 8 Sep 2005, 12:40 PM
To answer your opening question, I can. Even the Apostle Paul could (Romans 7)

Could omit "My personality is" in verse 2.
on Leaving Song by wilco 14 Sep 2005, 3:13 PM
Funny - so incongruent it's funny.
on Creation by Quarton 14 Sep 2005, 2:50 PM
I find little enobling of thoughts on considering the whole thing in this way. not sublime anyway. Maybe some metaphor or speculation, like a blooming flower or something.
on Light by Quarton 21 Sep 2005, 1:32 PM
A good comparison.
on some deleted poem 22 Sep 2005, 2:06 PM
I like the idea, but am off-put by the grammar. A little more conventionality please.
on my friend beth we wear by jessicazee 22 Sep 2005, 2:21 PM
In a flow of thought ramble like this, I still think punctuation is good. Or at least put each thought on a separate line.
on The Last Suburb by unknown 23 Sep 2005, 2:07 PM
More like a letter than a poem. Try using half as many words.
on From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus 23 Sep 2005, 2:10 PM
Very good until the last two verses. Then you seem to shift into another gear. It's like two poems.