Comments byDovina, 2721–2740 back, including replies. Only comments on poems

replying on Students by Blue Magpie 14 Jun 2005, 5:06 PM
12 though has got to go, and 13 is nonsense.
replying on Beach Volleyball by lil_evil_boi 14 Jun 2005, 4:56 PM
Shouldn't that be "Castles and coolers and tight bum flesh"?
replying on Smoky Mountain High by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 3:53 PM
Your eyes are crossed.
replying on Wanted by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 3:50 PM
"1880’s migrant lineage" is a good suggestion.
on Students by Blue Magpie 14 Jun 2005, 2:24 PM
I like the first 5 lines. Then it gets too much caught up in form and etherial meaninglessness.
replying on Mr. Campbell's final journey by jroday 14 Jun 2005, 12:49 PM
I see them now. With line spacing the way it is those rhymes don't add much to the flow.
replying on Mr. Campbell's final journey by jroday 14 Jun 2005, 10:08 AM
Except for prayer/chair, what rhymes?
on Mr. Campbell's final journey by jroday 14 Jun 2005, 10:07 AM
Pretty good, this one.

A few line edits:
Reality's rivers
clasped hands
troubled soul
as he journeys
on Youth Spent by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 14 Jun 2005, 9:52 AM
It has some good lines, but overall it's too mushy for my taste. "love so clean so void of emptiness" seems disingenuous.
replying on Flamingo's Stare by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 14 Jun 2005, 9:38 AM
Sorry, yes. The haiku structure works well for some things, but I get a feeling of being restraind by it in this poem.
replying on Returning by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 9:31 AM
Probably because of "Embers of burned out nights still glow between us." But that was not in my thoughts.
replying on Panama by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 9:28 AM
Well, maybe a little. I hope it says more than raunchy though.
replying on Prickly Pear by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 9:25 AM
By Job, you’ve got it.
replying on Unclean by Dovina 14 Jun 2005, 9:19 AM
I’m glad you saw the scene as you read it. Any disagreement with premise or a feeling that the poem is insensitive, I fully respect. This story was told to me by a person close to the events, and told as a true story.
replying on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic 13 Jun 2005, 4:58 PM
I only meant to drop the first line.
on I Wrote A Poem by Blue Magpie 13 Jun 2005, 4:22 PM
Like Dr. Seuss. The ending is weak.
on Flamingo's Stare by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 13 Jun 2005, 4:18 PM
I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.
on on passing through some small town by Dental Panic 13 Jun 2005, 4:15 PM
Drop the first line.

Second verse is good.
on A Hallmark Card for You (With Love) by Bluemonkey 13 Jun 2005, 3:34 PM
I'm trying to think of someone I might send this to, and coming up blank.
on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy 13 Jun 2005, 3:23 PM
The last verse is better now, but look at the grammar and spelling.

desecration abound (number disagreement)
There are more bodies (There are - not needed)
snapping THIER necks.