on Sonnet 3 (Farewell my muse) by Schlinkey
27 Nov 2006, 2:50 PM
I agree with Ranger on the "do"s. I think you could make both of them "shall". The rhythm is good in all but Line 13. Try "And as this quarrel now ends, my tears shall run."
on Raising the nap by howl
26 Nov 2006, 6:12 PM
"pushes it forward" in the first verse tells me to stop reading. The idea isn't bad, but too many words and discontinuous thought.
replying on Instruction by Dovina
26 Nov 2006, 6:05 PM
I know the grammar of that line is awful. Hoping the thought isn’t. Thanks.
on Journey To The Centre Of The Loom by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
26 Nov 2006, 6:04 PM
Mystically sullen. Kudos for complicity.
replying on Instruction by Dovina
26 Nov 2006, 5:33 PM
Oh, right. It’s Essay-on-Foreign-Travel,-Replete-with-Ch
replying on Instruction by Dovina
26 Nov 2006, 6:23 AM
Oh gosh, it's just a conversation. Really, quit. :)
replying on Instruction by Dovina
26 Nov 2006, 6:22 AM
It would truly be a nerdy thing to post an essy here, on Derrida, or as Horus8, on life in general. But the place is so vacant, why not?
on Swollen Tongue by MacFrantic
25 Nov 2006, 7:49 PM
I thought it was 1,764. Yes, I'm sure of it. And you will sleep again.
on Sonnet 1 (Nevermore - The last sonnet) by Schlinkey
25 Nov 2006, 7:46 PM
The world of rhymes is not “naught but jumbled chance.” Poe would not have said so, nor would his raven, Nevermore. Only this poem would and is.
replying on Instruction by Dovina
25 Nov 2006, 7:40 PM
It's a paradox of tense and timing. Thanks for coming back. The place looks like a cleared-out warehouse, feeling like the city dump, where poems are brought for final burial. Surely you've got one to dump.
on Wish I was a better lover by Prince of Void
25 Nov 2006, 7:35 PM
Without my current glass of wine, I’d say you’re spouting nonsense. As it is, I could meet you for a drink or two in JJ’s dimlit bar, and know exactly what you mean. A lover, after is said, and after all that Stephen Robins says, is meeting over wine and seeing eye to eye.
on Disposal and Liberation by MacFrantic
24 Nov 2006, 9:39 AM
I've been there and had a similar thought. It's not badly stated.
on She dreams by amanda_dcosta
24 Nov 2006, 9:30 AM
It has a nice rhythm and a wistful playfulness.
"the world without a doubt, as she" could lose "as she"
"love unfolds"
"of oaks and pine and firs growing tall" seems off rhytrhm. "pines" for consistency.
"skip to its tune" is off-grammar, but "skipping" would be off-rhythm.
"the world without a doubt, as she" could lose "as she"
"love unfolds"
"of oaks and pine and firs growing tall" seems off rhytrhm. "pines" for consistency.
"skip to its tune" is off-grammar, but "skipping" would be off-rhythm.
on In sickness and in health by Schlinkey
20 Nov 2006, 5:01 PM
Pure and Vile must be their names. It seems the "sickness" theme should be developed, perhaps in relation to Vile.
Maybe you have never sat on the limb of a pomegranate tree, picking the big red fruit, stripping away the skin and the inner membranes that separate ranks of berries. They are very good when the juice squirts into you mouth as you chew them, spitting seeds onto the ground. They might be good with gin, I don't know.
on Though I m lost, Love is not by Prince of Void
19 Nov 2006, 2:11 PM
Illusions are not so bad, even beat reality much of the time. Why imagine agonies?
on Improvisation by MacFrantic
19 Nov 2006, 2:08 PM
A splended path is not so bad, even a rcky path. Wh cares where it leads.
replying on Three Worlds by Dovina
14 Nov 2006, 4:37 PM
Just trying for a bit of levity in this most serious business. Recurring images - too poetic for left-brained woman I guess.