on Peter by Wakeboarder20
5 Oct 2006, 10:08 AM
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do
but did all the same." A good take on the story.
This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
but did all the same." A good take on the story.
This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
on Innocence revisited by Caducus
5 Oct 2006, 7:36 AM
I read "wasted on from desire" as "wasted on desire." Go figure. And try "virginal body yard." Hey, it beats "vaginal."
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
5 Oct 2006, 7:28 AM
Welcome back. Hey, I won't dream of throwing up a "why."
on I've thought a lot by MacFrantic
4 Oct 2006, 9:39 AM
Yes, I'm hearing you! And seeing through a little more shadow toward what I cannot see. To aim at communication in poetry is to aim too low. To think we know what to aim for is the silliness of a child as seen by an adult.
Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
Oh, they will tell you you are telling, not showing. Let them rant. This is good!
replying on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22
4 Oct 2006, 9:28 AM
It's much stronger after the edit. I feel, now, that her leading him on is worse than lemon peel pinched in the eye, whereas before I wasn't sure. Something about making it perrsonal brings home the message.
replying on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22
3 Oct 2006, 7:52 PM
Perhaps end it by saying what the lie was or at least some hint to make the poem personal and less all-encompassing.
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
3 Oct 2006, 7:50 PM
yeah, I think it needs another look. Thanks.
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
3 Oct 2006, 7:47 AM
Yes, if we could figure it all out, we would be like God. Of course, some people already have, and they have the greater faith. The rest of us rely on hope. Welcome to Poemranker.
on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22
2 Oct 2006, 4:00 PM
I like this down through "pinched in the eye." Then it loses momentum. Maybe lose "at her direction." And "was mild" is, well, mild. Otherwise good.
on untitled by harryparatestes
2 Oct 2006, 3:47 PM
A good start, this. A good concept.
Forgotten tears seems to contradict with painful memories. And opportunities should replace the "y's" construct I think. Broken and shattered mean about the same thing. "thers" should be "there's"; "its", "it's".
Forgotten tears seems to contradict with painful memories. And opportunities should replace the "y's" construct I think. Broken and shattered mean about the same thing. "thers" should be "there's"; "its", "it's".
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
2 Oct 2006, 2:16 PM
Yes, it's a recurring discussion, probably because we humans cannot seem to to get it into our heads that any good God lets crap happen. This street preacher doesn't understand it either, but he has an appealing solution. And yes, his solution comes from gospels written after Jesus' death.
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
2 Oct 2006, 1:58 PM
You must look like someone with money.
The appealing thing about this street preacher is that he does not look like all the others. He has a unique and honest-sounding take on the Gospel. Maybe the same kind of take Jesus had.
The appealing thing about this street preacher is that he does not look like all the others. He has a unique and honest-sounding take on the Gospel. Maybe the same kind of take Jesus had.
replying on Peter by Wakeboarder20
2 Oct 2006, 1:55 PM
I agree that it seems of uncertain intent, as if the the narrator is searching for some truth. The first verse seems to be about Jesus and his parables. He calls himslef the Door, and the narrator walks through.
Then in Verse 2, Narroator gets confused about something that the poem does not describe. I think it would be stronger if you say what confuses him.
Verse 3 is mostly a repeat of Verse 2 and brings us no closer to an understanding of the confusion.
Then in Verse 2, Narroator gets confused about something that the poem does not describe. I think it would be stronger if you say what confuses him.
Verse 3 is mostly a repeat of Verse 2 and brings us no closer to an understanding of the confusion.
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
2 Oct 2006, 1:44 PM
Maybe it's the kind of thing that requires a certain kind of reader's upbringing to appreciate.
replying on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina
1 Oct 2006, 4:48 PM
But you could be if you keep talking that way.
replying on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina
1 Oct 2006, 4:23 PM
It's good to hear another woman's take on it. I might try to clear up the "detachment" you see, because it is not intended. I mean it in an affectionate way. Thanks for commenting.
replying on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22
1 Oct 2006, 3:30 PM
I like it better this way, flows easier, less forced.
replying on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina
1 Oct 2006, 3:23 PM
Believe me, I am not detached and not professional, but thanks for the comment. Women do not always appreciate the sides of men's affections that can be just as tender as the ones we do appreciate.
I like the way ending thoughts lead to starting thoughts and back to the weather.