on False Reality by jlynnwall
2 Oct 2005, 10:50 AM
Unfinished indeed. Ask me again when it's done. And have a five, as it doesn't matter either way, which is the proper thing to do to drafts.
on untitled Rubiyat 1 by starkfister
23 Sep 2005, 4:11 PM
Of course, in English at least, the form works better if the three rhyming lines are of the same length...
on The Last Suburb by unknown
23 Sep 2005, 4:06 PM
Too prosy. Maybe it's that there's not great feeling of rhythm. Something could be done with it, though.
on Horus8 & The Werewolves Live... by horus8
23 Sep 2005, 4:18 PM
Oh, come on, horus, you can do better than this...
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2005, 8:07 PM
A bit too preachy. Change 'The rich getting richer', it'S been heard far too often. For some reason 'bones showing through fragile flesh' sounds like something I'd expect in a love poem, but maybe I'm just odd. The big question line 'Would our world's Gods...' is definitely out of rhjythm, and not in a good way. Also, I'd use a lower-case 'g' on 'gods' -- when encompassing all of them, it's not a proper noun.
on Are you my love? by Prince of Void
25 Sep 2005, 8:10 PM
It seems to be missing the occasional 'that' and 'the'.
on The Birds by flightoffancy
25 Sep 2005, 8:42 PM
Please -- you have to get at least one reference to Hitchcock in.
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2005, 8:45 PM
Some people, like wine, get better as they age.
Not this, though. Your writing's as terrible as when you first got here. My word, there's not even a single unobvious or inventive rhyme.
Not this, though. Your writing's as terrible as when you first got here. My word, there's not even a single unobvious or inventive rhyme.
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2005, 8:53 PM
That third stanza... oh dear. The first two lines are good, the third falters, and the fourth ruins it utterly by falling into a banality so complete words fail to describe it. Oh well.
on The Death of an Octopus by tianyi
25 Sep 2005, 8:54 PM
The Villanelle's much better.
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2005, 8:56 PM
On the one hand, it's a pantoum, and anyone who manages to write one deserves praise for managing to do so. On the other hand, except for formally, it's not very good.
on Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener
26 Sep 2005, 7:11 PM
Was he in shining armour at the ball? Must be a pretty tough guy to dance the Volta with sixty kilos of metal on him...
on Electric Light by cyan9
26 Sep 2005, 7:14 PM
I'm presuming 'chorde' is 'cord'? And 'that whispers of me to enter' -- should that me 'whispers to me' or was the gate whispering about it, in which case 'to enter' makes no sense.
Very well written, though.
Very well written, though.
on Sleep It All Away by somemorepoetry
16 Oct 2005, 10:31 PM
Whien whine whine sentimentality.
on Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot
16 Oct 2005, 10:32 PM
We were put on this earth to fertilise it with our bodies once we are dead.
Today my name is dreamer,
Lost and clueless
It would probably make it a bit better. Not much, but a bit.