on Majdanek by Niphredil
16 May 2005, 6:48 AM
This poem, as well as 'Shades', was written during a visit to the death camps in Poland. Majdanek made a particularly powerful impression on me, and I wrote those two poems following the visit.
on I sat beside the night by Niphredil
14 May 2005, 3:41 AM
I wrote this poem when I was in 8th or 9th grade. It's one of my favorites.
on Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222
16 May 2005, 10:18 AM
It touched me. I think it is a beautiful poem.
on Rapid Eye Movement by wilco
2 Aug 2005, 4:28 AM
Lovely. I enjoyed your poem, it was a pleasure.
Fascinating. But I admit I am confused; too many swirling motives here. Aside from the central bread theme, I'd be happy if you were to clarify
"the order of things: a dog, a made bed,
a centerpiece, those million, no, billion lives
saved for some use I can't imagine - to trip
my hands, maybe..."
Who are these billion lives? a country? a nation? just people? not even human? who saved them and why?
"the order of things: a dog, a made bed,
a centerpiece, those million, no, billion lives
saved for some use I can't imagine - to trip
my hands, maybe..."
Who are these billion lives? a country? a nation? just people? not even human? who saved them and why?
on Escape by Heather Dee
3 Oct 2005, 11:42 AM
Too many cliches for me, I'm afraid... sorry.
on some deleted poem
3 Oct 2005, 11:49 AM
I feel that comparing him to an angel, a soldier and an artist in such close proximity causes loss of focus. I'd pick one and stick with it. Nice job!
on Without my Glasses by Niphredil
3 Oct 2005, 2:41 AM
Heh. Where are you from, zodiac, anyway?
Dovina: the poem was written from my viewpoint, inside a dark room; the streetlight is outside and what I can see is the fuzzy light sifting through the window shade.
'streaks of white' - well, they wouldn't be seen as streaks if i had my glasses on :-)
Dovina: the poem was written from my viewpoint, inside a dark room; the streetlight is outside and what I can see is the fuzzy light sifting through the window shade.
'streaks of white' - well, they wouldn't be seen as streaks if i had my glasses on :-)
on In the berth by INTRANSIT
11 Oct 2005, 11:31 AM
sorry to repeat previous comments, but I loved it. ;-)
on In the berth by INTRANSIT
11 Oct 2005, 11:32 AM
(however, don't you think that "it's" should be changed to "its", as in
Or a freight train passes
singing its empty boxcar song;
?)
Or a freight train passes
singing its empty boxcar song;
?)
on some deleted poem
11 Oct 2005, 11:21 AM
last stanza - 'They may become all afraid of me'. Change to 'They might become afraid of me'.
Also, lines like
'But, my life, I already took'
'My worth, I just can no longer see'
sound forced and unnatural.
Nice idea; the title is good.
Also, lines like
'But, my life, I already took'
'My worth, I just can no longer see'
sound forced and unnatural.
Nice idea; the title is good.
on Noble oboe now sings every next saturday evening by ALChemy
11 Oct 2005, 11:29 AM
I liked it. Not for any particular turn of phrase but for the soft dreamlike quality I felt it evoked. But I would get rid of the 'Satellite' bit, not everything has to stay a pure train of thought...
on Cycles In Circles - Shame by D P Robertson
14 Oct 2005, 8:59 AM
Way too long with nothing to say! I got bored well before the halfway mark. I'm not really sure what you're getting at, and the cyclic composition seems forced to me. Sorry.
on Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot
14 Oct 2005, 11:38 AM
Please, check your spelling and grammar. I've counted at least 10 problems that need to be fixed (and that's including words like don't and won't which should really be apostrophized).
on some deleted poem
15 Oct 2005, 7:33 AM
I feel hesitant in criticising a superb limerick which I added to my favorites list, but I think the meter is slightly off on the first two lines: how about,
Love might be served à la carte,
Take just what you want, part by part
I wanted to give her
My bladder or liver
But she only wanted my heart.
Love might be served à la carte,
Take just what you want, part by part
I wanted to give her
My bladder or liver
But she only wanted my heart.
on some deleted poem
15 Oct 2005, 7:36 AM
Urg, way too cliched, way too kitschy, it reads like drinking a large cup of syrup. Sorry.
on some deleted poem
15 Oct 2005, 10:34 AM
Wow. Too much alliteration, Demonik, it sorta rings like a tongue twister.
'Repressing, renouncing, rewriting religion' can pass, I think, but
'Guiling governments guilty of gluttony and greed'
is definitely overdoing it.
The last line is better... maybe the poem should be entitled 'The Puppetmaster'?
'Repressing, renouncing, rewriting religion' can pass, I think, but
'Guiling governments guilty of gluttony and greed'
is definitely overdoing it.
The last line is better... maybe the poem should be entitled 'The Puppetmaster'?
on Itâs getting dark by Prince of Void
15 Oct 2005, 4:42 PM
I really don't know what you are trying to say in this poem, sorry.
On a more practical note - I find the 'But' at the beginning quite awkward.
On a more practical note - I find the 'But' at the beginning quite awkward.