replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 11:03 AM
If it gets rid of you, now please dont leave any of your intellectually and emotionally devoid commentry near any of my work again.
replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 9:15 AM
Still fail to what? make sense? I guess that you mean that I fail to set you off, should that be the case, I think you should get back to the other kids in the nursery before I do something to really set you off. Although, maybe you can't go back there because they all think your as much of a muppet as I do.
replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 8:46 AM
Zodiac, petty insults aside, if you are going to read and comment, I have noticed that you seem to start from the assumption that a piece of work is some kind of clone or lifeless colation of words in order to imitate something. I would encourage you to read the piece as a scene unfolding and attempt to enjoy that scene, rather than likening it to something else.
replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 8:42 AM
It doesn't take a lot to set you off then
replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 8:40 AM
I'm sure with a slightly more intelligence you may be able to unravel its meaning.
If you are going to leave feedback like this on my work, please save your energy, it shows quite a degree of disregard and emotional underdevelopement to see it as a dictionary of words rather than to view and experience the sensations of the scene unfolding. As for being formatted by a post-prime Billy Corgan, this is of no value or use, and looks like you are trying to sound more intelligent than you are. I appreciate the fact that you are giving by commenting and rating poems (which is one better than most people) but please have a think about what you are giving. This comment has served no use to me, and has caused very mild offense, what was the point?
replying on Beneath the Willow Tree by cyan9
16 Nov 2005, 6:35 AM
No nothing like. A very poor comment, I'm geussing without thought.
replying on Mandarin Trial by cyan9
10 Nov 2005, 6:01 AM
Perhaps the repetition of sheets could go, but I like the rhyme to it, the problem is that I altered the first stanza that rhymed with this in order to improve the description, but now they are more seperated as a result. For me it is the 4th stanza that seems most out of place. I would welcome any ideas on how to integrate this.
on Forgive Me by TLRufener
9 Nov 2005, 5:56 AM
Shows the humility and neediness of a prayer for assistance with simplicity and accuracy.
on Night on the Towne by Modulo
7 Nov 2005, 6:10 AM
Much better than your piece High? Coo. Uses plenty of lively language that reminds me of dodgy cocktail bars. I'm not sure about the exclamation mark and the capitalization of jazz nights at the end, bit too much exclamation for my likings, anyway good effort.
replying on Electric Light by cyan9
29 Sep 2005, 7:37 AM
That must have been quite some rave, and if its like that, where can I get hold of this gluwein?
on Of the Lady on the Bridge by Verse2Verse
27 Sep 2005, 2:44 AM
Haunting once you become engaged the piece
on Disaster in Disguise by Miggy
27 Sep 2005, 1:55 AM
The clarity with which you recount emotional reasoning is very good here, ther are however lines like:
Nor a faint sense of grime
That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
Nor a faint sense of grime
That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
on Pebbles by Verse2Verse
27 Sep 2005, 1:47 AM
Analogy is well used here, the second verse feels a bit long for my likings, some kind of break or use of a bit more varied language might have pulled me in a bit more in that verse, rather than just being compelled to glance it over.
replying on Electric Light by cyan9
27 Sep 2005, 12:20 AM
chorde is cord and there is another spelling mistake in here somewhere, but i dont wont to lose the commentry by changing it. If whispers of me to enter makes no sense to you, then perhaps a browse through some slightly less modern work may assist, in any case the gate is tempting me through in this instance.
on Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener
26 Sep 2005, 12:47 PM
Gratuitously emetic