Poemranker [20 most recent comments by amanda

on Home coming of her love by Jessina 2 Dec 2007, 10:02 AM

Hmmm... Jessina, Here are a few things I would take note of.... avoiding the 'ing' form of the words, like beginning with Sighing.

For eg. ... just a suggestion,

She sighs profoundly and saunters
Down the corridor of her chamber.
Her movement was slow
Like a weary itinerant.

Lost in a world of sheeer gloom,
She lounges restively on stairs so plume
Quivers in hoary morn
And clinches her ruddy coverlet.

There seems to be a slight conflict in tenses.... for which you have to be careful about. But, nice choice of words.

on Beggar by MacFrantic 4 Aug 2007, 9:26 AM

Too much emphasis on the word beggar. And yes, it rings quite clear that this beggar wants to remain a beggar.

I like the half rhymes you use.... but still think you could come up with something better than ...'travels on to something rural.'

on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Aug 2007, 8:31 AM

I have now changed Stanza 3 line 1 to read "Seagulls in shades of while", which originally read "seagulls in pearly whites". Maybe this is a better option. What do you think?

replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Jun 2007, 8:11 PM

Thanks D. Yes, spice is a color. Its a shade of brown seen in an artists' catalog of colors.
As for dropping 'the'..... not convincing. Changes the meter of the poem.
Dreamy paradise.... its supposed to leave the reader wanting more, or wondering.

replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Jun 2007, 8:02 PM

Hey, hey, hey... good to see you around. Thanks for the critique. Pearly white is much better than pearly whites..... or I've been thinking of even rephrasing it

Seagulls feathered white
dive into the foamy surf
to capture the shining silvers
that dwell below the swirls.

This might sound better. What do you think?

replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Jun 2007, 7:56 PM

Hmmm.. shining ! Interesting.

Good to see you around. How are you and howz life? Still at Tesco? Right now we're doing a study on Tesco's billing system. :-)
And how far have you completed your course in philosophy, or theology (am not sure which)....? :-)

replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Jun 2007, 7:49 PM

I guess it doesn't really work, but that doesn't justify not writing what comes to a writer's mind. But at the same time, I'll keep in mind that it doesn't cater to everyone's taste. Thanks all the same.

replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta 4 Jun 2007, 7:44 PM

I agree. Pearly whites isn't exactly the right word. Thanks for the feedback.

replying on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta 22 May 2007, 1:01 PM

Thanks D. I don't know how I skipped this comment.... and yes, you've picked up on the right vibes. Like a psalm. Honest emotions in prayer turn out like psalms.

replying on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta 22 May 2007, 9:50 AM

Thanks Skamper; valuable comment.

replying on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta 22 May 2007, 9:49 AM

Sorry about that Paul, and thanks for the vote and comment. Have been kinda distracted and preoccupied lately. Its good to see that folks like you stick around making PR more cheerful.

on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina 22 May 2007, 9:35 AM

Have to be honest with you. I don't get half of it. I get the first two verses, but then? It's very abstract to me... and perhaps needs a bit of explanation for a simple girl like me.

replying on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta 18 May 2007, 10:38 AM

Thanks Al. I agree it's more a prayer than poem, but I merely intended to portray my emotion poetically. And as for my comfortable communication to God.... it was my being honest with what I felt.

replying on She dreams by amanda_dcosta 18 May 2007, 6:23 AM

Al, Dr Peter Douglas, thanks. :-))))).

Am all smiles.

on A twisted Trail in Edenâs Garden by Dovina 18 May 2007, 5:38 AM

Hmmm.. lemme see. Quite a few points came to mind when I read this. First of all, I like the theme. Secondly, I like the similar syllables used like... suckered, sold and saddened... and verdict, vouched and valid. Thirdly... its very good imagery you've pictured there at the end, ie. the last two lines. Very emphatic. Good work.

on Worn Ruse by drnick 9 May 2007, 10:10 AM

Bravo. Some psychological problem from how I see it and very well put. I like the phrase... Logic signs pass him by. You could do with an edit , but I think from one point of view, you've already made your point. Good work.

replying on The Editor by Dovina 9 May 2007, 10:06 AM

BTW.. who's the pain who gave you a zero. Must be some nitwit.

on The Editor by Dovina 9 May 2007, 10:05 AM

Good imagery D. Happy to read one of your poems after a long time. Sorry for the negligence. Hope you are having a whale of a time on the road. Praying for your safety.

replying on Flowers by Dovina 8 Feb 2007, 10:19 AM

My, my, my!!!! I wonder what you did to deserve these flowers. No fair.

replying on Flowers by Dovina 8 Feb 2007, 10:13 AM

Is this better? :-D