on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
11 Nov 2007, 8:11 AM
And line 8 needs more help. Bleh.
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
12 Nov 2007, 5:14 PM
I can't see your comment, Mage. The counter is off.
on It's about truckin' by INTRANSIT
12 Nov 2007, 7:01 PM
Meh. Just edited for better sound.
on some deleted poem
27 Oct 2007, 3:45 PM
Yes, I like it better.
on Why I took my ears off by INTRANSIT
6 Nov 2007, 6:45 PM
wow. that bad huh?
on Behind closed offices by lukehanney
6 Nov 2007, 6:47 PM
perhaps I should k.i.s.s. my pomes too.
on Stroke It! by Skamper
7 Nov 2007, 6:53 AM
The word -could- gives the bards the option of doing so. "We could sing this. Nah, lets play Jarts."
There may be an even better/more active/forceful word than -will or -want to. (not the first line)
Give me more details about s-1-3. (Everything) is too broad a specrum, I think. Try to narrow it.
Like I said to dovina, It'sa jumping off point.
There may be an even better/more active/forceful word than -will or -want to. (not the first line)
Give me more details about s-1-3. (Everything) is too broad a specrum, I think. Try to narrow it.
Like I said to dovina, It'sa jumping off point.
on Fading Love by hobojo
9 Nov 2007, 6:43 AM
Change line 3/4 to a statement, drop the -how can-
Line 5. change items for unusual things
Cut line 7
Line 10 try -anger before pain-
Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever
make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there.
HTH.
Line 5. change items for unusual things
Cut line 7
Line 10 try -anger before pain-
Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever
make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there.
HTH.
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
11 Nov 2007, 8:06 AM
So I dropped the Ibex and some of the punctuation, cut some excess words so I hope it reads better, at least.
But what I need to persue is that opening line.
But what I need to persue is that opening line.
on some deleted poem
11 Nov 2007, 5:59 AM
Sorry for your loss, Paul. Let this simmer for a week or two and see what else comes to mind.
on homer simpson by malpaso
2 Nov 2007, 5:54 AM
I see a lyric. The first two lines being the refrain.
Add to it. Really.
Add to it. Really.
on Voice of the World by Dovina
2 Nov 2007, 6:01 AM
My gut says, this is a jump off point for what you really want to say. Sit on it.
on Bullfrog Night by Musicman
27 Oct 2007, 3:34 PM
Ha! I almost didn't like the word > chant. boo on me.
on Table for Two Please by Musicman
27 Oct 2007, 3:41 PM
Sorry. Even broken up, rest of the best, bugs me.
on Dark Matter by Musicman
27 Oct 2007, 3:45 PM
Could you explain the term "movement" to me ? Using this piece as a for instance, if you like.
on some deleted poem
29 Oct 2007, 8:19 AM
Any one that says metered/lyrical poetry is dead can go to the deep for all I care.
on Nomad's Oasis by Caducus
27 Oct 2007, 3:52 PM
Play with the line breaks, would be my suggestion.
From stanza two:
drank from sweat and tears devoured refusal
to stop searching for the promised land.
no vote. yet.
From stanza two:
drank from sweat and tears devoured refusal
to stop searching for the promised land.
no vote. yet.
on some deleted poem
27 Oct 2007, 3:15 PM
This needs a little more, or a little less. Perhaps lose the >Remember.