on levered 'n loved by A. Nomaly
15 Sep 2003, 4:04 PM
Felt it was a good beginning, makes one point but not enough there to really grab me and keep my interest
on Broken Child by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:14 PM
This has some very nice imagery, some nice lines- but it is not all that clear a poem- interesting you divide one word -overlooking- into 2 words- I do see 2 errors in grammar-
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
on Breathe by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:17 PM
Nice image, enjoyed this!
I like that you picked one immage and developed it with CONSISTENCY.
I like that you picked one immage and developed it with CONSISTENCY.
on Blood by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:21 PM
Didn't get the allusion to "thy sight" - and blood dripping down and then going "up" to heaven I found confusing- The first part- ending at the line "out stepping intangible boundaries" does not mesh well with rest of poem. Seem like 2 separate parts that do not go together well.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:38 PM
Good "slice of life."
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:39 PM
Some very memorable lines,
good poem.
Strong ending.
good poem.
Strong ending.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:42 PM
Strikes me as pretentious in part-
Not clear about the meaning of many of the lines.
Not clear about the meaning of many of the lines.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:44 PM
Dealing with a heavy subject, but
in a very silly way.
Oh
Well!
in a very silly way.
Oh
Well!
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:47 PM
Cutesy! I enjoyed it!
on They who would have me forget by BleedingRose
2 Dec 2003, 2:48 PM
The real feeling comes through.
It comes across as a bit trite, but still
heart-felt.
It comes across as a bit trite, but still
heart-felt.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:51 PM
Interesting use of the platitude about if enough monkeys were to type long enough, sooner or later one would write Shakespeare.
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2003, 2:54 PM
Cutesy.
on thoughts and feelings (draft) by crwncka1
2 Dec 2003, 2:58 PM
A bit too dogmatic for my taste,
but I give you points for staying on track with
your theme throughout the whole poem.
but I give you points for staying on track with
your theme throughout the whole poem.
on do androids dream? by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:37 PM
Well said.
on clay or mud (hertz donut version) by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:38 PM
An unfinished piece---
on innocent voyeur by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:36 PM
Excellent stuff!
on ritual of now intensified by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:04 PM
Ahh! Cof-fee!
on selfhood, through extrospection by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:10 PM
And so you are! Kaolin Fire!
on The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:23 PM
Very sing-song.
I hear the last verse as a loud chorus sung over and over!
I hear the last verse as a loud chorus sung over and over!
A new ray of hope was given" sounds too trite, too cliched.
I like the equating of getting on and off a bus with life in general, final last stop being death- should work on this poem more, neat idea here.