Seems like you sucked one poet into taking the position you sought-- Open fly hook with a plastic jesus hanging from a fishing line of gold nylon. Reel 'im in, Dovina. Flop him onto the deck and hit him on the head with a bowling pin. Then multiply him with your loaves. Ah men!
on A Perverted Poet's Confession. by SupremeDreamer
15 Jul 2004, 10:04 AM
I was going to give it a -10-. But after I noticed EP gave it a nine, I decided that he might have more enzyte, I mean, insight.-9-
on Drinking Knowledge by gregsamsa222
13 Jul 2004, 12:47 PM
Contemporary takes artifical sweetner. -10-
Religion takes bread and wine.
Religion takes bread and wine.
Is it 'voices' promising us life as the wind drives the heavy, cold, dead clouds? What are the voices saying? I may be missing a key point, I admit. I am not good with nature. If this were about a 1957 Chevy BelAir, I'd have a better grasp of the subject matter. But I like the sound of the words blowing around in this poem.
on MR Blobby V bill and ben by MR Blobby
13 Jul 2004, 11:34 AM
Is flob a typo? shouldn't it be "Blob alob, alob?" Nice ending.
on Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote
13 Jul 2004, 7:02 AM
Tambourine man and candy man mean the same thing so this works for me.
replying on A Girlâs Climax by Dovina
13 Jul 2004, 6:27 AM
P.O.V.
on A Girlâs Climax by Dovina
13 Jul 2004, 6:24 AM
I like everything butt the end. To avoid all the ambiguity, it should read:
After all the dieting,
Makeup,
Fashion,
Poise,
He finally noticed,
He was fat and gay.
After all the dieting,
Makeup,
Fashion,
Poise,
He finally noticed,
He was fat and gay.
replying on Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222
12 Jul 2004, 4:52 PM
Reverse chonology. Tricks only work when the writing is good. This WORKS.Dovina must be busy because she is usually much more perceptive than I. At firstI was annoyed that you were posting four poems as one. Then I decided that if you were that sly, maybe you were worth reading. I'm glad I did. I hope that
your writing doesn't require someone to die each time you need inspiration. Well, maybe that's not an impossible situation to overcome. There is a war going on. Plenty of material there. Poems for oil.
your writing doesn't require someone to die each time you need inspiration. Well, maybe that's not an impossible situation to overcome. There is a war going on. Plenty of material there. Poems for oil.
on Vows by QuirkyWonder
12 Jul 2004, 10:52 AM
I see something in this. The image is obscured by your immersion in the material. I think EP said it best, "Put the pen down. Back away from the paper..." Go to a coffee shop and listen to the people talking. Listen to what cashiers and ticket takers at the theater say to you. Hear the way people talk to each other when they think someone else is listening THEN come back and re-write this good idea you have. Just one thing...avoid all those stupid inanities that people use in their daily speech. Your good idea deserves more respect than the day to day parlance people use at the supermarket unless that voice is an integral part to our understanding of the poem. Donât stop writing. Donât be discouraged by comments on poemranker. Take what you can use and make your stuff better. I see something in there but it needs your help to get it into focus.
on A Piñon Limb by Dovina
8 Jul 2004, 10:59 AM
You make me a believer. I thought the poem was about a "pinon lamb." It took two reads to understand why the ravens were crapping on the lamb and then Epiphany! It's about trees and nature and all that stuff. I am a city person, I have no idea what you're talking about. But what you say is Bloobyful, excuse me, beautiful.
on Unsung california dreamin. by SupremeDreamer
7 Jul 2004, 7:31 AM
I feel so unclean.
on Graveyards by TwilightDawned
6 Jul 2004, 11:37 AM
A better than average effort. Buried. "Six feet" is less important than "under-buried." Cliches are as easy to fall into as falling off a log and down into a hole dug in a graveyard.
The last stanza is a complete poem starting with:
"Somewhere in the distance... I'll rise above the clouds."
I had trouble with "about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen" Sounds like he had someone steal his car in the same manner he had acquired it.
Also: "sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket" Sounds like the homeless man was sitting with his tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch the filthy blanket.
I think I understand what you meant in both instances but I had to stop thinking about your images and worry the language. It (the poem) is a good idea that needs a little more work. Oh yeah, another "rewrite in progress." -8-
By the way, the going rate in Pasadena for a man with a dead dog on his blanket is a $5.00 donation.
"Somewhere in the distance... I'll rise above the clouds."
I had trouble with "about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen" Sounds like he had someone steal his car in the same manner he had acquired it.
Also: "sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket" Sounds like the homeless man was sitting with his tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch the filthy blanket.
I think I understand what you meant in both instances but I had to stop thinking about your images and worry the language. It (the poem) is a good idea that needs a little more work. Oh yeah, another "rewrite in progress." -8-
By the way, the going rate in Pasadena for a man with a dead dog on his blanket is a $5.00 donation.
on Paradelle of Progress by Dovina
6 Jul 2004, 10:57 AM
When not sure if a -10- is too much, be a coward and give a 9+.
Don't listen to Z. He's an enigma trapped within a foil condom wrapper being nuked in a microwave oven and arcing all over the small cooking space. Let's just watch the fireworks through the window and shout, "Whoopee! Burn, Baby, burn!" Then we can flush him down the john and make some lowfat popcorn, cover it with melted butter and watch "Fried Green Tomatoes and Akira Kurasawa's "Dreams" back to back.