on Mountain Fever by Celticai
6 Oct 2008, 4:31 PM
Sort of New Age. Are you a painter?
on Spanish Patio at Old Mission Inn by Dovina
14 Oct 2008, 1:34 AM
I like bits of this - some of the first stanza, and the last two lines in particular. 'Fall' would work better than 'fail' for me. I don't think the overtly Biblical imagery does it any favours though. I was thinking more along the lines of an old Gordon Lightfoot song - 'Spanish Moss'.
on Alice to Slumber by Skamper
6 Oct 2008, 4:39 PM
lol, fantastic.
on night owl (5) by elementalidad
6 Oct 2008, 4:53 PM
I know more or less nothing about Japanese poetry, but this is a shining example of how good simplicity can be in poetry. Your others try to be a bit too poetic, whereas this makes the reader do all the work without realising it. Top drawer.
on Rails to Trails by Dovina
6 Oct 2008, 4:26 PM
I like the fourth stanza, altered a bit. Especially the "servants like me" bit (no comma needed after it), because unlike the rest, which is pretty generalised, it brings the focus down to one point, one place. I don't think it wants the repeated 'to'. You could get away with using 'where' once more there - "...where boys chase rabbits/where more people/clog the freeways". Or something like that.
on Cinematic Indulgence by nentwined
21 Jul 2008, 3:10 AM
How quickly can you recite this?
I love the skipping beat. It gives the poem a sort of it-might-be-meaningful-but-who-cares feel, almost childish. Makes me think you're the sort of person who says "dah-ling" to everyone you meet.
I love the skipping beat. It gives the poem a sort of it-might-be-meaningful-but-who-cares feel, almost childish. Makes me think you're the sort of person who says "dah-ling" to everyone you meet.
on some deleted poem
21 Jul 2008, 3:15 AM
The darkened hem and the golden swords are beautiful visions. Your image poetry is much better than the less tangible stuff you write.
You've got a stop-start rhyme system going on here, I think it would be better with a couple of soft rhymes in the second stanza to give a bit more rhythm. But that could just be me. What are you up to these days?
You've got a stop-start rhyme system going on here, I think it would be better with a couple of soft rhymes in the second stanza to give a bit more rhythm. But that could just be me. What are you up to these days?
on About the Broken Glass... by nypoet22
21 Jul 2008, 3:22 AM
Great. "Is it sticks or bats, or hearts that beat" is a fabulous line. Did you mean to abandon the rhyme scheme with "cracks"?
on in this bus terminal of the future by nentwined
21 Jul 2008, 3:27 AM
lol
on Sponds Hill, Cheshire, 26 December 2013 by Nicholas Jones
3 Oct 2014, 3:17 PM
I used to live near-ish to there.
Agree with nentwined - much of this is lovely. I particularly like the closing lines - very nice.
Agree with nentwined - much of this is lovely. I particularly like the closing lines - very nice.
on A mag that PAYS??? by SupremeDreamer
3 Oct 2014, 3:19 PM
Only one way to find out, right?
on Post-mortem by jen
23 Jan 2008, 2:20 AM
I don't like cummings so a comment would be unfair.
on Glossary without an index by daniella
3 Oct 2014, 3:28 PM
Some cool ideas. The whole thing feels quite bleak - or have I read it wrong?
on Max's Poems by nentwined
22 Jun 2012, 3:57 PM
Is that rockmage on the cover?
on The Cat Goddess by nypoet22
22 Jun 2012, 4:11 PM
Mostly ace. May I suggest some crits? I'm going to anyway.
Line 4 trips the rhythm too much - perhaps needs revising?
Line 8 - get rid of 'like'. It's unnecessary and interrupts the flow.
As someone's already said, 'valo(u)r' and 'greater' just don't do it. The other rhymes are perfect (flesh/creche? Fantastic!) so don't spoil it right at the end.
Otherwise, like -8-
Line 4 trips the rhythm too much - perhaps needs revising?
Line 8 - get rid of 'like'. It's unnecessary and interrupts the flow.
As someone's already said, 'valo(u)r' and 'greater' just don't do it. The other rhymes are perfect (flesh/creche? Fantastic!) so don't spoil it right at the end.
Otherwise, like -8-
on Facebook Post by Skamper
22 Jun 2012, 4:14 PM
For the lulz -10-
on The Owl in the Wasteland by Caducus
22 Jun 2012, 4:35 PM
I haven't a clue what's going on here.
on Stripping the willow by ecargo
4 Dec 2015, 3:31 PM
ecargo! I wanted to get in touch a while back but had no way. Are you still writing?