on some deleted poem
4 Jun 2007, 4:37 AM
Decent use of ambiguous language.
on [Gasp]{last letter, first letter} by sca
4 Jun 2007, 4:31 AM
Ah, some most superb multisyllabic rhymes. You must like Byron.
on Love - In the Noughties by Skamper
4 Jun 2007, 3:07 AM
'bleeding heart' and 'tongue whipped' could be changed. Good last two lines.
on The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound by zodiac
24 May 2007, 2:05 PM
Good grief, how have I missed this until now?
on Alive at 95 by nypoet22
4 Jun 2007, 3:05 AM
Stanza 2 wants to follow s1's rhyme scheme, otherwise it looks like you had a good idea to start with but couldn't follow it through.
on some deleted poem
4 Jun 2007, 4:28 AM
If you died on a cross I would only know about it if you had a most excellent report on the BBC's website.
on some deleted poem
4 Jun 2007, 3:04 AM
lol, I tried to force myself to last the entire 3 hours of Inland Empire but failed magnificently.
on Barking Bargain by Dovina
4 Jun 2007, 4:25 AM
Nice idea, it seems a bit bulky - prosaic in areas. I rather like the final stanza though, it makes perfect sense to me.
on Never Still by Skamper
4 Jun 2007, 4:34 AM
Don't get too worked up about rhyming perfectly. 'figure' is a more subtle rhyme for 'river' in this context: if it seems like you're putting words like quiver in for the sake of trying to rhyme it gets distracting.
on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta
4 Jun 2007, 4:46 AM
Nice musicality to this. One alteration I'd make - shiny into shining; it has a little more of an up-and-down cadence to it, rather like the waves.
on Portrait of the artist as [insert adjective] by Nicholas Jones
23 May 2007, 2:27 AM
Turn this into a concrete silhouette poeme and it will be brilliant.
Everyone's a closet neo-Kantian even if they won't admit it.
Everyone's a closet neo-Kantian even if they won't admit it.
on some deleted poem
26 May 2007, 11:15 AM
Hahahahaha
on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta
23 May 2007, 2:31 AM
I think that gospel blues is definitely your forte.
The potential here, in my unhumble opinion, is to go "my heart dwells *in* every word..." and build a house-of-God analogy from there.
Nice to see you're still writing :-)
The potential here, in my unhumble opinion, is to go "my heart dwells *in* every word..." and build a house-of-God analogy from there.
Nice to see you're still writing :-)
on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina
23 May 2007, 2:38 AM
Nice. You could do with looking a bit more at your articles - sometimes you use them when I don't think they're needed, and others you leave them out when they'd be better included.
"Forty shades of southern green" is a good line.
"Forty shades of southern green" is a good line.
on Ode to Jack by Skamper
23 May 2007, 2:43 AM
You seem to be aiming more for word-music - put some subtle rhymes in to make it move smoothly.
on some deleted poem
23 May 2007, 2:47 AM
I'm not sure that you need so many of the main verbs - "I see" and "I feel" could go without detracting (if the sights and sensations in the poem are effective, you won't need to tell us that you're seeing or feeling them). Perhaps some of the more prosaic bits could make way for extra sensory detail ("But with deeper observation", "With clarity" etc.) After all, what I think you're doing here is in a way creating your own memory - make the poem as rich as that creation.
on some deleted poem
23 May 2007, 2:49 AM
This is brilliant. Perhaps it's more a senryu than haiku? You're getting good at these, oh-so-cynical one.
on Mouth full of Posion by VioletSuccubus
23 May 2007, 2:53 AM
The passion's there, it just needs crafting now. Work the musicality, the cadence and add a couple of killer images. If it's the Gothic you're after, aim for a Poe-style effect. Who do you read?
on Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins
23 May 2007, 2:54 AM
Have you been in a charity shop recently?