on some deleted poem
25 Jan 2003, 9:01 AM
What?
on Love spank by Shardik
30 Jan 2003, 10:44 AM
Love it!
on Cant sleep, clown will eat me.(A poem about clowns) by lunar
30 Jan 2003, 11:19 AM
He's only got a blank look cause he reads so much fucking Lao-Tzu. It's his own damn fault.
on The Sunset Blvd. Cabbage limericks by Shardik
30 Jan 2003, 11:11 AM
Kerrrazzeeeee...eee...ee..e
Hey, if you want to see weird poetry, mine's weird. Also Doyetevsky, whatever his name is does strange stuff.
Hey, if you want to see weird poetry, mine's weird. Also Doyetevsky, whatever his name is does strange stuff.
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2003, 10:36 AM
Hmm, I thought that black slavery-well, any slavery for that matter-was illegal pretty much everywhere. Ah well, this is a brave effort at something political. If you don't mind me saying, I don't think it's quite there yet. Keep trying, give it a few edits and I think you'll get there.
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2003, 10:40 AM
And that stRanger was I. Only kidding.
Okay poem, it felt a tad short but that's alright, god'swife has already told me that brevity is a poet's friend. I feel it lacks something emotive-take a look and try to put a little depth in, then it'll be worth a higher mark and I'll be glad to regrade it. For now, a seven.
Okay poem, it felt a tad short but that's alright, god'swife has already told me that brevity is a poet's friend. I feel it lacks something emotive-take a look and try to put a little depth in, then it'll be worth a higher mark and I'll be glad to regrade it. For now, a seven.
on Someone by brokenwing
30 Jan 2003, 11:00 AM
I feel that this is trying to be both emotive and, er, casual (that's the best way I can find to describe it), for instance "sharing in my life" and "people think I'm cracking up" don't really give it any definitive air. However, it's got potential if you'll keep working at it, decide how you want it to sound and then edit it. I also felt that there are a few strained cliches here-that's no real crime, my first poem I submitted (The North Wind) was full of them, that's life. On the plus side, I thought there were a few great lines, especially the last two.
on some deleted poem
29 Jan 2003, 11:14 AM
Not as touching as 'Goodbye Dad', but still I like this one. Perhaps a little more intimacy into this one?
on some deleted poem
28 Jan 2003, 12:16 PM
I love parts of this, other bits seem slightly pointless (ie the dust bit, although maybe I'm missing something).
Did you mean the first 'mourning' as that, or is it a typo? I quite like it as it is, seems a fairly good play on words etc.
Anyway, 8
Did you mean the first 'mourning' as that, or is it a typo? I quite like it as it is, seems a fairly good play on words etc.
Anyway, 8
on Pandora's box by Lynn
28 Jan 2003, 12:18 PM
Um, I don't get it yet. Nice writing in places though. Perhaps I'll have another reread and come back again.
on The Ode that never was by Shardik
23 Jan 2003, 11:37 AM
Oh, but please change "would of" to "would have". Please.
on some deleted poem
26 Jan 2003, 12:11 PM
The chorus is awful, BPS, it makes you sound like you're trying to write comedy teenybop punk. Please get rid of it-come up with a new chorus, or don't have one. The rest of the song is pretty good, and I like it, it started off quite emotive, but got less so-was that intentional? It might be better otherwise but that's your decision. Like I said, it's not at all bad. I'll not vote yet-if you do a rewrite I'll check it out again. Keep at it, I'd like to see a redraft.
on House of Pain by Goose
26 Jan 2003, 11:57 AM
'House of Pain', isn't that a French bread shop?
on one moment to the other by nentwined
26 Jan 2003, 12:02 PM
Very enjoyable read. It's definately confusing at first, but after a couple of times I've got the hang. Nice one. 8
on early morning write by crimzon
26 Jan 2003, 12:03 PM
Great! 9
on The Ode that never was by Shardik
23 Jan 2003, 11:36 AM
Oh...I really wanted to be sarcatic and rename it the Ode that never should have been...but it's actually quite funny.
Maybe next time. I'll go and read Blade's work to see real crap. Or not.
Maybe next time. I'll go and read Blade's work to see real crap. Or not.
on 9/11 tribute by Caducus
23 Jan 2003, 11:23 AM
I really love this.
"That image of love will never sleep". Magic
I think I agree with Tintagiles about the Osama's beard bit, however I like the use of angels, also the 'slaughter' maximises the effect of that part (I know I sound vague here, never mind).
If you can find a way to replace the old beard this will be worth a ten on my behalf, till then you may have nine.
"That image of love will never sleep". Magic
I think I agree with Tintagiles about the Osama's beard bit, however I like the use of angels, also the 'slaughter' maximises the effect of that part (I know I sound vague here, never mind).
If you can find a way to replace the old beard this will be worth a ten on my behalf, till then you may have nine.
on some deleted poem
29 Jan 2003, 11:12 AM
Beautiful, just beautiful.
on some deleted poem
28 Jan 2003, 12:19 PM
Lovely. A couple of typos, but otherwise fine.