| Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
29-Jan-06/1:40 PM |
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This one's tricky to comment on; a lot of people have looked at it according to the hits counter, but I can only assume that they, like I, don't really know what to make of it. It feels like it's a good poem, but it's more than my tiny brain can get round at the moment. If you gave me an explanation, maybe that would help.
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| Re: a comment on After Rain by Niphredil |
29-Jan-06/1:37 PM |
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Yes, I like that more. As for the punchline, well fair enough!
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| Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone |
29-Jan-06/1:32 PM |
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This works quite well although I'd suggest that if you're going to go for a rhyming scheme, give the poem a definite rhythm - it makes it easier to read aloud. Also, capitalise the start of every line; the beauty of acrostics is being able to instantly see what the vertical column says. Other than that, nicely done - 'truant solar rise' is a lovely line!
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| Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy |
29-Jan-06/1:28 PM |
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Ah yes, now I like this. If I'm going to nitpick, there are grammatical mistakes, other than that it's great! 'Prophet shoes', love it!
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| Re: Reckoning by <~> |
29-Jan-06/6:23 AM |
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I'm sure there's something intelligent I can say here, but I can't think what it might be. Nicely written, anyway.
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| Re: Technology makes memories, photo album, circa 1970 by <~> |
29-Jan-06/6:17 AM |
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'Like a disciplined fruit'...yes, imaginative certainly.
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| Re: Lost Forever by Freethinker1602 |
29-Jan-06/6:12 AM |
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Hmm...this is the best of your recent ones, to be sure. I think it would work better if you used 'I' less frequently, and maybe put into prose form. It's a bit disjointed at the moment. Also, I do like the start, not being able to bring yourself to contemplate his death, you should try to emphasise that a bit more. Let me know if you edit this one, I'd like to see how it turns out.
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| Re: Potential by Christof |
29-Jan-06/4:31 AM |
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Nice! I still think your poem 'Instructions to a Sculptor' should be #1...
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| Re: My testament to free speech by Glasseyez |
29-Jan-06/4:15 AM |
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'Of shit and lies'...turns me off straight away...there's some good content here (without delving into a discussion of universal outlooks) but I'd like to see it edited first. 6 for now, although after a reworking it'll be worth more.
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| Re: After Rain by Niphredil |
29-Jan-06/4:09 AM |
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Yes, I'd agree with zodiac here. You work the rhyme very well and the rhythm is fairly constant - although 'finally' in line 3 is tricky; I'm torn between giving this a 7 and an 8, 8 for now I think as I'm in a good mood, but this is well worth an edit and I'll be sure to check it again.
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| Re: Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera |
29-Jan-06/4:02 AM |
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Very sexy, made me think of movie stars.
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| Re: a comment on Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
29-Jan-06/4:00 AM |
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I wanted something rich and slightly exotic whilst not being overly cliched...just a bit of inventive improvisation, that's all.
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| Re: For such is a childâs heart by amanda_dcosta |
29-Jan-06/3:58 AM |
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Personally I'd change the first line, give it a little more lyricism; this is a nice enough piece, but read out loud it is somewhat too bulky (for me, anyway). There's definitely potential here, I just feel it needs a couple of edits while being read aloud.
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| Re: a comment on Our Marriage by amanda_dcosta |
29-Jan-06/3:54 AM |
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Ah, well I'm hoping that I've got time enough for that yet!
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| Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo |
29-Jan-06/3:51 AM |
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I found it odd that the sparrows should chant above the priestess, is that done deliberately? A good poem, although it felt like there was another verse waiting to be written.
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| Re: Racial Hate by Glasseyez |
29-Jan-06/3:43 AM |
a) Blood is blue when starved of oxygen, and white blood cells are white (okay, you want to kill me now)
b) I think it would work more effectively in prose form
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| Re: Round 27 by Dovina |
28-Jan-06/12:19 PM |
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Not sure yet what to make of this one, I will have to ponder it further and return.
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| Re: A Sheepâs Wish by Dovina |
28-Jan-06/12:15 PM |
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Yes, clever and entertaining, I like this one.
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| Re: a comment on Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
28-Jan-06/12:05 PM |
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Lorelei is in myth a mermaid (I can't remember the details of where, somewhere in Germany there's a 'singing' rock in the valley's river which gave birth to the legend). The story goes that she was betrayed by her lover and threw herself into the river and died, becoming the mermaid who would sing to lure sailors to their death. To be honest, I wasn't sure about including that line, but I liked the sound of it and I liked the contrast between the holiness of Mary and the less-than-holy nature of Lorelei. I'm glad you like this one though, in the last two years it's the only thing I've written that I really like!
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| Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222 |
28-Jan-06/5:44 AM |
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I've got nothing to say that others haven't already said...this goes onto my favourites list...
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