| Re: Adios Poemranker. by scitz |
3-Apr-03/11:23 AM |
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See you later dewd! Take it easy, and leave a message on pr as soon as poss.
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| Re: Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar |
3-Apr-03/11:20 AM |
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Please may I ask you to let me know what you think of my latest efforts?
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| Re: Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar |
3-Apr-03/11:19 AM |
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| Re: a comment on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger |
21-Mar-03/11:07 PM |
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Ta, OTP, it's nice to know that the poem had that effect...kind of strange that it took this form after being started as a different poem-but I quite like it now.
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| Re: a comment on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger |
21-Mar-03/11:05 PM |
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Thanks for the advice INT. I wonder if you could give me some indication as to what you would do? I'll muse it over awhile and have a play around with it.
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| Re: W.A.R. by lunar |
21-Mar-03/5:14 PM |
If we don't go to war then it just means that thousands of Iraqis are going to be killed by Saddam in the near future, whereas going to war will mean a few people of many nations will die in the coming days or weeks. Which sounds more appealing?
I don't mean at all to sound like I support Bush and Blair in this because I don't believe that their honest reason is the welfare of innocent Iraqis and the bringing to justice of Saddam-I'm sure that the oil controls their thoughts. However, we'll just have to wait and see.
I do like the poem though. 8
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| Re: Award shows make my cock hard, but you don't by Bachus |
15-Mar-03/2:38 PM |
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A couple are out on the syllable count but hey. I am another who doesn't get the White Stripes. Are they good or are they shit? Counting Crows are good...
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| Re: What Have You Swallowed by Fear of Garbage |
15-Mar-03/2:33 PM |
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| Re: Fate by Dostoyevsky |
15-Mar-03/2:32 PM |
Needs less of the images and more elaboration on the ones you keep. Try keeping it simpler-less 'varied' but with more realistic ideas. My earlier poems are like this but I've learnt from them-you could do the same.
I also think you should write a poem called 'Limbs', damn fine idea Horus old boy.
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| Re: a comment on Fate by Dostoyevsky |
15-Mar-03/2:29 PM |
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| Re: Blinded by Dostoyevsky |
15-Mar-03/2:27 PM |
Did I not say before that "Loosing" should be "Losing"? Not to worry.
I still don't like the 1st 2 lines, they still need something less frequently used. Perhaps:
"Thoughts sliding down onto the floor
From a mind which reamins so unsure"
Keep working on it and it'll get there in the end. Why delete all the previous comments? Keep them to remind you of the progress you make (it also makes people really impressed when you've got loads of comments and they'll look at your poem and leave their own comment).
Anyway, I've given you my thoughts on yours, now give me yours on mine ya selfish bastard.
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| Re: hard as a rock by <~> |
15-Mar-03/2:21 PM |
I love you all.
You may have a 9 zzinnia
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| Re: Strung by bunniesnangels |
12-Mar-03/12:50 PM |
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| Re: a comment on On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2) by <~> |
12-Mar-03/12:49 PM |
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Ah, I think you misunderstand me here. What there is is fantastic, but for a fast piece it takes too long to say as a single line. I think that zzinnia (see-no capitals!) might want to consider splitting it into two lines. I agree with you that this is an excellent poem, just my opinion on that line is different.
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| Re: Invisible too by horus8 |
11-Mar-03/1:35 PM |
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Nice. Wish I could say something more useful, but I've got to go. I'll try back tomorrow and see if I can be more helpful.
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| Re: On coming across a field of deer one afternoon (2) by <~> |
11-Mar-03/1:32 PM |
The only thing I can say about this one is that line 4 takes a bit too long. The rest are relatively quick to read-which obviously suits the subject, so unless you intended it to be that way...
I am currently stuck redrafting my latest attempt at poetry-any aid you could give would be most welcome.
As an afterthought, line 6 is excellent.
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| Re: Family Portrait by Mr Pig |
11-Mar-03/1:27 PM |
Wow. Mr. Pig, I am pleased to see a longer poem than the haikus-and this is wonderful. Other than that I can only say I love your poems! Teach me!
And line 8 in stanza 2 is the best
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| Re: Somme (A Horror Of War) by Mr Pig |
9-Mar-03/12:45 PM |
Ah, at last. I was waiting for a new haiku. This is nearly excellent, you're one syllable over, possibly change immaculate to something shorter? I love the first line though. You have such a great ability to control images, I would love to see you do something longer than a haiku...these things are over too damn quickly & The Blooding was great.
Right, that's me done for today, Good Morrow and God Bless you every one.
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| Re: I cannot take this shit(please comment and critique) by TrulyUnique0642 |
9-Mar-03/12:40 PM |
Too simplistic to get anywhere on this site-revise it and be a bit more creative with your vocab. Also decide whether you want to rhyme it or not because this just doesn't flow. That being said, I like the line "Just keep me posted on who you're fucking"...not heard that one before. Oh, and please change the title.
There we go, there's a comment with critique, hope it was of some use. Let me know when you've edited this and I'll have amother look. Good Evening to you all.
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| Re: this old man (edit) by Bill Z Bub |
9-Mar-03/12:34 PM |
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This is wonderful...just wonderful. 9
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