OK, the sentiment of building dreams on interpretations and looking for something to care for in somebody else, at least attempts to explore.
the words are not necessarily poetic, and supress what rises in me is a bit kind of psychobabble, and loneliness my only companion has been used so many times before.
But as I said it is OK, not bad even
the words are not necessarily poetic, and supress what rises in me is a bit kind of psychobabble, and loneliness my only companion has been used so many times before.
But as I said it is OK, not bad even
on Man & Woman by Mona Lisa
18 Sep 2003, 12:05 PM
the 6-7-6 one was better.
Now the first line sounds like all women rather than all they want.
And the third destroys the flow a bit.
Sorry I couldn't help, maybe if you put the first version on and asked for help someone might have an idea
Now the first line sounds like all women rather than all they want.
And the third destroys the flow a bit.
Sorry I couldn't help, maybe if you put the first version on and asked for help someone might have an idea
on Man & Woman by Mona Lisa
18 Sep 2003, 11:20 AM
I prefer the first one even though it was not strictly a haiku. (3rd line what follows is neither)
As for 'all women', I did think that was a bit generalist. But the power of this poem is its logic how the 3rd line concludes the premises of 1 and 2.
Sorry I can't help
As for 'all women', I did think that was a bit generalist. But the power of this poem is its logic how the 3rd line concludes the premises of 1 and 2.
Sorry I can't help
replying on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote
18 Sep 2003, 10:31 AM
I think I meant kind of forthright/ no nonsense/ this is your truth/ you are telling the reader/ they will be told
on on the edge of creation by nentwined
18 Sep 2003, 7:30 AM
Good this,
Like the '/s' and the brackets, a worthwhile experiment with language.
Like the '/s' and the brackets, a worthwhile experiment with language.
on help me love the U S A by crwncka1
18 Sep 2003, 5:39 AM
all dogma and unargued but I quite like this.
Makes you think, has a good pace, better variety of language than usual
Makes you think, has a good pace, better variety of language than usual
on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote
18 Sep 2003, 5:36 AM
Good this, very tight, very snappy. Given a sharp voice
almost irreverent.
almost irreverent.
on The Cock crows a rooster deep by The_Third_Isis
18 Sep 2003, 5:29 AM
creative, very vivid, the ubiquitous 'crashed planes' but also some nice new figures like 'calderas four fingers'
on Calm In The Face Of A Hurricane by scitz
18 Sep 2003, 5:17 AM
gets the message accross
on Man & Woman by Mona Lisa
18 Sep 2003, 5:15 AM
Like the logic of this, the play on words, the two different follows
replying on naive gazer by richa
16 Sep 2003, 9:01 AM
thanks for the kind comment, and thanks for the help.
on Can you comment and vote? by LuckyJoe
16 Sep 2003, 7:19 AM
I'll give you a zero if you really want.
I guess you want comments on your 'serious' poems rathey than this one right?
I guess you want comments on your 'serious' poems rathey than this one right?
on maternal-infant bonding (rejection) by SupremeDreamer
11 Sep 2003, 12:34 PM
like this,
kind of rough, remorseless talking to the reader.
like punk/ like beat.
kind of rough, remorseless talking to the reader.
like punk/ like beat.
on Style by Nicholas Jones
11 Sep 2003, 12:31 PM
good this,
the last verse does get a little rantish, I do like the last line, kind of forelorn I think.
the last verse does get a little rantish, I do like the last line, kind of forelorn I think.
on Help The Aged by Mr Pig
9 Sep 2003, 9:17 AM
'atonic lips' and other such rare usage words are not really needed.
The best parts of this poem are the little insights:
the dead mans plant (old people tend to live longer if they are given a plant to look after by the way)
the he is good 'adjusted'
the alms house, that looking after the old is 'charity' and not the responsibility of everyone.
a good piece
The best parts of this poem are the little insights:
the dead mans plant (old people tend to live longer if they are given a plant to look after by the way)
the he is good 'adjusted'
the alms house, that looking after the old is 'charity' and not the responsibility of everyone.
a good piece
on Insight by Moniquesuvee
9 Sep 2003, 9:06 AM
Last two couplets are too 'mushy'. The first two are rather good. I like the semi-surreal quality
on Black & White by Irischer Junge
9 Sep 2003, 9:03 AM
this poems major problem is that it is so dull.
If you could fit something interesting into the nicely constructed verses it would be OK.
vis a vis the last line, am I to believe that usually the only way you get so much 'glee' is if you have more than one girl?
If you could fit something interesting into the nicely constructed verses it would be OK.
vis a vis the last line, am I to believe that usually the only way you get so much 'glee' is if you have more than one girl?
on Can you believe this piece of shit was #1? by horus8
9 Sep 2003, 8:52 AM
yes, teams of editors tend to pick 'competition' style poems that noeone will argue too much about. Editors just distill.
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
on At a hotel room in Royal Oak by horus8
9 Sep 2003, 8:41 AM
good this, I meant to comment when you wrote it but my computer crashed.
Of all your poems this one and the if people still dont know why people hate america they should get out some more one are ones that I keep remembering
Of all your poems this one and the if people still dont know why people hate america they should get out some more one are ones that I keep remembering
baez for now