on Center Of The Universe by Dovina
1 Jul 2004, 1:54 PM
How true is your observation. We tend to view the
world from a very narrow and self-centered position.
All things are inter-related and connected but this
fact is largely unconsidered. Even an insect should
be left alone if it is not bothersome. Well done.
world from a very narrow and self-centered position.
All things are inter-related and connected but this
fact is largely unconsidered. Even an insect should
be left alone if it is not bothersome. Well done.
replying on Recycled Stardust by Quarton
1 Jul 2004, 1:45 PM
Good advice. Thanks for the comments.
on The Poem Without an End Working Towards the Beginning by TheVoiceless
29 Jun 2004, 11:30 AM
This is mostly incoherent and rambles too much.
Did you write it as a stream consciousness?
(James Joyce wrote Ulysses with this technique)
Perhaps you might take this and shorten for I
believe it has some good ideas and concepts.
I like the concept of no end in searching for the
beginning. An example for the last line:
"The end becomes infinite in my quest for the
beginning"
I do like the line:
"Something to lay my mind to rest, giving it reason
to ease."
Quite lovely and consider deleting the obscenities.
They, IMO, detract from the poem and its potential.
Did you write it as a stream consciousness?
(James Joyce wrote Ulysses with this technique)
Perhaps you might take this and shorten for I
believe it has some good ideas and concepts.
I like the concept of no end in searching for the
beginning. An example for the last line:
"The end becomes infinite in my quest for the
beginning"
I do like the line:
"Something to lay my mind to rest, giving it reason
to ease."
Quite lovely and consider deleting the obscenities.
They, IMO, detract from the poem and its potential.
on Occam's Razor by Quarton
10 Jun 2004, 5:27 PM
I originally wrote this as a joke and admit it
probably should have been left unposted. I'll do
better next time(:
probably should have been left unposted. I'll do
better next time(:
replying on Las Gaviotas by Bachus
16 Mar 2004, 10:26 AM
A vilanelle is difficult at best and near impossible to write
without sounding forced due to the very strict rules required.
I have tried this form and have had no positive results. You
seem to have pulled it off quite well. In both form and content,
a solid ten.
without sounding forced due to the very strict rules required.
I have tried this form and have had no positive results. You
seem to have pulled it off quite well. In both form and content,
a solid ten.
on Modern Man by ShaNoN+960317485
20 Dec 2003, 10:26 AM
A lot to contemplate in this piece. Quite exceptional
in content and style. Kind of a Brave New World
feel to this and what a neat way of expressing the
new by means of the old. Being a quantum mehanic's
junkie, I could relate to the fourth stanza in particular but hell, I can relate to all you express
in this fascinating tale that would warm the heart
of any Existentialist worth his/her salt. Camus would
be proud tho I may be misinterpreting part of your meaning. Regardless, a ten!
in content and style. Kind of a Brave New World
feel to this and what a neat way of expressing the
new by means of the old. Being a quantum mehanic's
junkie, I could relate to the fourth stanza in particular but hell, I can relate to all you express
in this fascinating tale that would warm the heart
of any Existentialist worth his/her salt. Camus would
be proud tho I may be misinterpreting part of your meaning. Regardless, a ten!
Thank you, Mr. Pig. I have written nothing new for
a long time but hope to start writing again. Not
sure why but I have had no desire, apathetic being
my mind-set lately. I appreciate the suggestions by
everyone and will delete the question mark and the
(...)
a long time but hope to start writing again. Not
sure why but I have had no desire, apathetic being
my mind-set lately. I appreciate the suggestions by
everyone and will delete the question mark and the
(...)
on -=Dark_Angel=- -=In_Decline=- by wEdible Underpantsw
24 Jun 2003, 12:34 PM
OUCH!!!
on One Moment to the Other (v2) by nentwined
25 Feb 2003, 9:16 AM
I liked this and the rhyme is well done except for the last two stanzas. Not sure I like mem'ry and
temp'ry and you need to ask yourself if you would have written thus if there was no need to rhyme.
Also, last stanza..."in that which is" seems awkward as fillers to balance the rhythm and pace. The second stanza is my favorite.
temp'ry and you need to ask yourself if you would have written thus if there was no need to rhyme.
Also, last stanza..."in that which is" seems awkward as fillers to balance the rhythm and pace. The second stanza is my favorite.
on The North Wind by Ranger
2 Feb 2003, 8:02 AM
This is good but could be better by
tightening and deleting words that
add no value to the poem. And the
rhyme sounds a bit forced in spots.
Still, a nice lyric.
tightening and deleting words that
add no value to the poem. And the
rhyme sounds a bit forced in spots.
Still, a nice lyric.
on Small Town Tavern by NinjaPoet
30 Jan 2003, 6:40 PM
Right on! And don't forget
"the attached disclosure."
"the attached disclosure."
on Small Town Tavern by NinjaPoet
30 Jan 2003, 5:31 PM
Sounds like a dangerous dude. Those
mushrooms jusr don't mix with boose. He shoulda read the warning label. A solid 8.
mushrooms jusr don't mix with boose. He shoulda read the warning label. A solid 8.
replying on The Other Side of Me by Quarton
24 Jan 2003, 9:08 AM
Well, I'm not sure can. Perhaps I stressed the "mans" verbosity
too much but I did wish to convey strongly his opinionated
side which is not really how he feels and thinks inside.
A tempter whose words are strewn about profusely and give the
apearance of deep felt meaning and conviction where there is
none... .In saying "without debate", I meant beyond rebuttal
or reproach and the irony of his words being untrue to his
other self while being perceived as sincere and genuine by
those he "charms" with "honey-coated words." ....Hope this
helps and I too suspect a melding as one grows older and
more introspective. Thanks for your comments and I may make
some minor changes tho not sure.
too much but I did wish to convey strongly his opinionated
side which is not really how he feels and thinks inside.
A tempter whose words are strewn about profusely and give the
apearance of deep felt meaning and conviction where there is
none... .In saying "without debate", I meant beyond rebuttal
or reproach and the irony of his words being untrue to his
other self while being perceived as sincere and genuine by
those he "charms" with "honey-coated words." ....Hope this
helps and I too suspect a melding as one grows older and
more introspective. Thanks for your comments and I may make
some minor changes tho not sure.
on mornings, january by <~>
24 Jan 2003, 8:34 AM
Seems kind of mundane for a haiku
but perhaps I am missing something.
Still, not bad and better than a
four. Hell, thinking about it,
everything is mundane to a greater
or lesser degree.
but perhaps I am missing something.
Still, not bad and better than a
four. Hell, thinking about it,
everything is mundane to a greater
or lesser degree.
on No more tears, or trail by Bachus
24 Jan 2003, 8:14 AM
Yes, Manifest Destiny. Its all ours
because we say so. Slaughter the
Indians and fight the Spanish and
it's all OK because we say so. And
I fear Bush has the same thoughts,
just the country has changed. A
solid 9 for causing me to think.
It's all OK because we say so.
because we say so. Slaughter the
Indians and fight the Spanish and
it's all OK because we say so. And
I fear Bush has the same thoughts,
just the country has changed. A
solid 9 for causing me to think.
It's all OK because we say so.
replying on The Other Side of Me by Quarton
24 Jan 2003, 7:44 AM
Yes, The Catcher in the Rye has long been a favorite
of mine. Seems hard to believe it was written in 1951.
Where has all the time gone?
of mine. Seems hard to believe it was written in 1951.
Where has all the time gone?
replying on The Other Side of Me by Quarton
24 Jan 2003, 7:38 AM
Alright! I'll take the kiss and save the lollipop for
later. Then again, maybe I should reverse that. I never
could save the best for last.
later. Then again, maybe I should reverse that. I never
could save the best for last.
in my opinion.