Last stanza, 2nd to last line, "as" seems like unneeded filler. Same with S2 L1. Last few lines seem a little convoluted. I get your meaning, but... there has got to be a better way of getting your point across.

Try not using the same word twice, much less beginning all of your sentences with "Like, Than, There, Mpre, And, Out", not only does it sound forced, It does nothing for your originality and makes your piece rather bland.

<3 Jason

Good title. Not what I was expecting, but good none the less.

The last two lines, start off okay(timing wise, writing wise they are a horrid trainwreck), but notice. In the other two pairs of lines, (and;in). Filler words, to spread your timing out better.

I hate the words "My ancestors did it to your ancestors", but thats just because I don't agree with the whole "sins of the father, sins of his children" idea either. Excellent close.

<3 Jason

"Drowned it to bed of nightmares" needs a comma, an article, or an adjective.

Otherwise, Amusing. -9-

Didn't really like the tone(reminded me of angst), but loved the wording. -8-

Sweet Jesus! The Best AIDS poem ever.

I didn't like this. Maybe it's some of the grammer issues, or maybe it's just the underlying tone. I'm sure you've heard of something known as slam poetry, right? I think that's where you should have focused the energy that went into this. I do like the fighting spirit this displays however. Hold onto that, this place gets to be battleground over some of the dumbest reasons. I was most put off by the "stop if you are judging as you scum destroy". This is a ranking site. You will be judged. I can't honestly vote this higher than a 4. Because if a poem is a machine, then it's what it does for us that we are rating. This moved me little. The comments were actually more interesting.

<3 Jason

Ug! I feel like I've just read chapter two of a pretenious novel, written by a big fish from the pond, discovering that there are bigger and meaner fish shortly after finding his way into the lake. My vote is a -8-, just for "I'me". Otherwise, it'd be a five. I think you could develop a knack for writting, if instead of focusing on pissing off your worst critics, You instead tried to improve upon the whatever weakness they start attacking.

<3 Jason

Well wrote. The first two lines were my favorites.

"What exactly would you say,
If for no reason at all
I spat full in your face?"

In every scenario, I'd return the favor, save the death one, because well, I'd be dead. I think the last verse needs rethought entirely. The ending left me sourly disappointed. I thought you'd quite a large nut sack, until the last two lines in which apparently you spunked like never before, and lost them.

-8-, but I think a rewrite of the entire last verse would make this better.

<3 Jason

Peter Pan Logic only works for children. -5-

"Of every line, every anlge, every beam and bolt"

Angle perhaps?

Dovina's right, but I think there was some wonderful craftmanship here. I loved the Wife bit, but I think it's too easy to skip over the subtle comparison of how he was more exact with his work, than his love life.

<3 Jason

-10-

Bravo. Could do with another proof read, but still good stuff in my book. Pun not intended. -9-

<3 Jason

Looks like a textbook example from chem. 101, and almost as boring. "(kicking him in the balls)" is the only saving grace. -6-

A five line poem, syllable structure 2 (1st line), 4 (2nd), 6 (3rd), 8 (4th), 2 (5th). The last two syllables should both be stressed and nouns and verbs should feature more promiently than adjectives and adverbs.

And I remember seeing that very comment just a day or two ago. Way to go with the shaping of minds there. Very telling.

<3 Jason

Excellent control, and the title fits the body well. -8-.

<3 Jason

The car alarm screaming more, more, more, is a bit of a what the fuck, but I was enjoying it for the most part. Random Fact: Swans are vicious fighters(Bloody and to the death).

I'm just going to be worthless and say I enjoyed this.

<3 Jason