on Knowledge by the_poetess
17 Mar 2005, 3:11 PM
I know things now,
now I can't be a believer,
now I can't look at the sky without crying,
can't look at the stars without mourning the loss of my ancestors.
Lose it, and use shoes to carry you to a close as it were. You had me until that verse. Try using your words to sculpt an image that says what you mean here, without being tediously long, or losing meaning. An improvement by FAR from the last time I read on of yours. -7-. Everything else works fairly well.
<3 Jason
now I can't be a believer,
now I can't look at the sky without crying,
can't look at the stars without mourning the loss of my ancestors.
Lose it, and use shoes to carry you to a close as it were. You had me until that verse. Try using your words to sculpt an image that says what you mean here, without being tediously long, or losing meaning. An improvement by FAR from the last time I read on of yours. -7-. Everything else works fairly well.
<3 Jason
on The Ususal Love Stuff by Dreammaker1024
19 Mar 2005, 6:19 AM
This is prose, and while wordy, you touch on good points of introspection. -7-
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222
19 Mar 2005, 8:18 AM
As I'm sure you've been told, this is god aweful long.
Each of these poems are great. I love the images and the way that you have painted with the canvas of my heart.
If these poems wouldn't all have had worked together, exactly the way they do, my vote would have been a 5(one for each poem here), just for being so long. But as is, 10. Excellent writing.
<3 Jason
Each of these poems are great. I love the images and the way that you have painted with the canvas of my heart.
If these poems wouldn't all have had worked together, exactly the way they do, my vote would have been a 5(one for each poem here), just for being so long. But as is, 10. Excellent writing.
<3 Jason
on No wonder I can't sleep when you are gone, but still here. by Haleyj
19 Mar 2005, 7:31 PM
Few typos, this is more "pimple" than "freeverse", and inside/mind. -6-
on WHY DAD?WHY? by RION12
19 Mar 2005, 7:44 PM
I'm normally all about the emotional poems, but honestly? If this was pimple I might have cut you enough slack to give this a 5. As is, a 2. All you've done is bitch at someone whom I seriously doubt will read this. The rest of us, don't need to see this.
on some deleted poem
22 Mar 2005, 11:07 AM
Gone.
on The Symbol by Dovina
24 Mar 2005, 5:41 PM
I love the "probably AIDS" bit. I can't help but wonder if that wasn't just a bit of on the ranker humor though, or is it something else?
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on American Poet by horus8
25 Mar 2005, 12:42 PM
Rolls on floor laughing, opps.... Pissed pants, but still laughing out loud. Good stuff. -10-
on some deleted poem
28 Mar 2005, 8:03 AM
The ending was very cheezy and expected. Still as Dovina said, cute.
on some deleted poem
28 Mar 2005, 9:15 AM
I think you meant "fury".
on "Lovers or Friends" by jroday
28 Mar 2005, 9:25 AM
Few typos here and there, and a nice piece but it lacks some of the finer points of craftmanship.
Things this Needs
A) A good title, that doesn't give away your ending, much less the entire poem.
B) A better thought out meter.
C) Spellcheck.
D) A rewrite.
Til then -5-
Things this Needs
A) A good title, that doesn't give away your ending, much less the entire poem.
B) A better thought out meter.
C) Spellcheck.
D) A rewrite.
Til then -5-
on Spanish Woman by James Rykelangeli
2 Apr 2005, 12:57 AM
V4 L5 "Willow Hair". Good use of the word urticant. Although with the help of translation 3, I couldn't help but think crabs.
Your use of diapason just seems wrong to me. At first I thought it was a typo, but after a second glance, I got curious. Was there a reason for diapason, as opposed, to anything else meaning the full range? Not that it matters, but I just thought it an ill chosen word. -9-
<3 Jason
Your use of diapason just seems wrong to me. At first I thought it was a typo, but after a second glance, I got curious. Was there a reason for diapason, as opposed, to anything else meaning the full range? Not that it matters, but I just thought it an ill chosen word. -9-
<3 Jason
on that sixty minutes by francis nor capule
2 Apr 2005, 1:13 AM
Thanks for the blog update. Would it kill you to use a metaphor, turn a phrase, a simile, an alliteration, or even just your imagination? Thank god it doesn't rhyme every line or other, but without even that thin excuse, this isn't a poem. There is no art here. So no vote.
on Deep Thought by Dreammaker1024
2 Apr 2005, 1:16 AM
More of a rant than anything.
on Memory by chocolate9009
2 Apr 2005, 1:24 AM
Lose alot of the spacing, and give this a little bit of rewriting. Mainly the last line. "Brick wall, Brick wall, I should've kept my pace," would probably sit better as two lines, instead on one. -6-
on Broken and Floating by camperdfl
2 Apr 2005, 1:34 AM
Potential, but I doubt this took you more than 20 minutes to write. The first few lines are drab. The last 2 are great images, but don't run off the tongue like they should. Read a little more poetry, then rewrite this. -5-
on a poem to a friend by that_funny_girl
2 Apr 2005, 1:57 AM
Heaven Help Us, poetry about Instant Messaging. Like what a totally incredibly rad awesome amazing Idea! What's next, poems about blogs and cell phone text? This reeks of Jr. High School. Good feelings to have and all, but crap for verse. -3- Because its at least poetic, somewhat, by a stretch.
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on a feeling by i_am_the_popsicle
2 Apr 2005, 2:04 AM
"the only thing better than being an understood prophet
is being a misunderstood one"
Good lines. Most of the rest has no real depth, and isn't all that inticing. -5- because it better than most of what I've read tonight.
<3 Jason
is being a misunderstood one"
Good lines. Most of the rest has no real depth, and isn't all that inticing. -5- because it better than most of what I've read tonight.
<3 Jason
Lets just say the voice would be very mellow. -8- The ending feels rushed compared to the lush details, of the other lines. A good ending none the less.
<3 Jason