on Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina
8 Apr 2005, 12:21 PM
Last stanza, 2nd to last line, "as" seems like unneeded filler. Same with S2 L1. Last few lines seem a little convoluted. I get your meaning, but... there has got to be a better way of getting your point across.
on Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina
8 Apr 2005, 12:08 PM
I hate the words "My ancestors did it to your ancestors", but thats just because I don't agree with the whole "sins of the father, sins of his children" idea either. Excellent close.
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on ceiling by not_a_philosopher
8 Apr 2005, 3:00 AM
The last two lines, start off okay(timing wise, writing wise they are a horrid trainwreck), but notice. In the other two pairs of lines, (and;in). Filler words, to spread your timing out better.
on Mixed Messages by Miggy
8 Apr 2005, 2:47 AM
S2 L1 Thought?
on Mixtapes (or We Always End Where We Began) by philn
7 Apr 2005, 1:24 AM
The 1st stanza after side b, sucked. Other than that, I can't really place what I don't like about it. -6-
on Listless Nights by blindwriter
4 Apr 2005, 12:15 AM
I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say. Striking Visuals, but special effects should merely be highlights, not a movie in and of itself. -8- for stunning images.
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
replying on Road to Recovery by thepinkbunnyofdoom
3 Apr 2005, 11:50 PM
What can I say other than I've improved alot in since high school(When this was written).
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
replying on Vietnam by the_poetess
3 Apr 2005, 9:40 PM
lol, I had a sneaking suspicion that you were a couple of the My_Name_Looks_Like_This_Girls.
When writing about books, I recommend classics(More chance of the subject matter having been read by your reader). As is, it looks quite unique(a modern feat), but reads like the mutterings of a very senile asian woman having an acid flashback. Which I'm sure others might enjoy, but I just didn't like much.
<3 Jason
When writing about books, I recommend classics(More chance of the subject matter having been read by your reader). As is, it looks quite unique(a modern feat), but reads like the mutterings of a very senile asian woman having an acid flashback. Which I'm sure others might enjoy, but I just didn't like much.
<3 Jason
on Poem on a face by INTRANSIT
3 Apr 2005, 7:05 PM
Its "Goatee". -6-
on that woman by i_am_the_popsicle
3 Apr 2005, 7:02 PM
"what will she do"
Other than that. Not Bad. -7-
Other than that. Not Bad. -7-
on A Taste of Rose by Richard
3 Apr 2005, 7:01 PM
Roses are done to death, but this is well written. -8-
on Vietnam by the_poetess
3 Apr 2005, 6:58 PM
Vietnam and Fairies? Are you mad? -4-
Stick with the things within your sphere of knowledge and ability, until your better practiced in both. This looks like a failed attempt to explain your thoughts and feeling over something, you don't know enough about, in a form, you don't know enough about.
<3 Jason
Stick with the things within your sphere of knowledge and ability, until your better practiced in both. This looks like a failed attempt to explain your thoughts and feeling over something, you don't know enough about, in a form, you don't know enough about.
<3 Jason
on Cold Feet by gregsamsa222
3 Apr 2005, 6:38 PM
Line 3, some ....'s after just would probably make it work better(I didn't like how 3 flows to 4 really). Do something other than end 3 on just. I like how this aside sounds like something I could imagine myself saying to one of my buddies on a car ride home. -8-
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on another poem to a friend by that_funny_girl
3 Apr 2005, 6:27 PM
I hope he is reading. I really do. I had the misfortune of thinking you'd have improved and this was a rewrite. If your going to write, entertain the notion that anyone can read what you write(Not just your Aim Buddy).
I'm hate giving out zeros, because I know I'm not a big fan of recieving them, but not only is this an improperly tagged pimple, you actually call it a poem(Once in the title and then once again in the body). Let me ask you, what do you think a poem is? Random line breaks and the outpouring of every thought inside your head over one subject? The closest this got to being a poem was your talk of mask and shades, but it doesn't out weigh the rest of this bulk. Not to mention its poorly done.
*The Most Cliche Advice Ever*
Don't preach about your feelings
Paint them so that others can see them
<3 Jason
I'm hate giving out zeros, because I know I'm not a big fan of recieving them, but not only is this an improperly tagged pimple, you actually call it a poem(Once in the title and then once again in the body). Let me ask you, what do you think a poem is? Random line breaks and the outpouring of every thought inside your head over one subject? The closest this got to being a poem was your talk of mask and shades, but it doesn't out weigh the rest of this bulk. Not to mention its poorly done.
*The Most Cliche Advice Ever*
Don't preach about your feelings
Paint them so that others can see them
<3 Jason
replying on Everything by RION12
3 Apr 2005, 11:01 AM
What'd you expect? Me to turn shit into gold? My name isn't Midas.
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
replying on cacoon by whispern_smoke_wisp
3 Apr 2005, 10:59 AM
Even so, look at the other My_Name_Looks_Like_This writers. This at least has one image with meaning i.e. white silk/purity. How many others of the 15 year old My_Name_Looks_Like_This writers even come close to writing something that isn't a pimple marked free verse?
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on The High Hunt by horus8
2 Apr 2005, 11:52 PM
This has classic written all over it(Damn you and your invisble ink).
<3 Jason
<3 Jason
on tumbleweed by crooked_smile
2 Apr 2005, 11:46 PM
"in the dust in my brain" please tell you you at least see the bad repetition?
I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7-
<3 Jason
I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7-
<3 Jason