on Pilgrimage by Christof
13 Jul 2003, 3:55 PM
Yeah, the third verse needs refining, I think. May I suggest: "...Like a TV at bedtime my shadow shuts down." Although I could see one resisting to that near-rhyme.
on In the Vicinity of Dreams by Blue Magpie
13 Jul 2003, 12:12 PM
I love that kind of incidental, displaced rhyme. "...beneath the weeds/ for what she needs..."
Nice work. My 7 is for establishing a mellow mood without a hint of boredom.
Nice work. My 7 is for establishing a mellow mood without a hint of boredom.
on some deleted poem
12 Jul 2003, 1:26 PM
You stir danger with desire and in the oven we find a fire. I am eleven years old and have never felt this before. God, I'm begging your wife, "Please give me more!!"
10,I said!
10,I said!
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 2:03 PM
I like how the third stanza leads into the fourth. The finale is a strong sentiment for those of us who know our imperfections. Such passions are worthy of an effort toward poetry, even though most attempts fail misserably. This, though, is worth reworking.
on The Search by OneFingerAnswer
13 Jul 2003, 2:24 PM
Lines 3 and 4 fuck up the rythm and rhyme (another w/ forever?), as well as the meaning (what's the dif between seal and fill?).
Elsewise, I liked it. 6
Elsewise, I liked it. 6
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 2:38 PM
You have a real knack for this type of picturesque verse. That third verse will have me thinking a long time. It's so sparse and loaded at the same time.
This is shit-hot work! Dare I dish a 9?
This is shit-hot work! Dare I dish a 9?
on missing time by Bill Z Bub
13 Jul 2003, 3:25 PM
Well, this is humbling. The first read didn't thrill me but, the imagery brought me back...several times. Now it's "in my head like a song".
I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.
I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.
I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
on i will not come to bangladesh by lost in america
13 Jul 2003, 3:33 PM
This poem is a lesson in conjuring images with words. I have signed up for the course and my cheque is in the mail.
Only, something in the end "feels" awkward. The brevity of "...only to drown", I think.
I may disagreee with myself after another read or two, though. 9 for the feelings. Encore!
Only, something in the end "feels" awkward. The brevity of "...only to drown", I think.
I may disagreee with myself after another read or two, though. 9 for the feelings. Encore!
on Instructions to a Sculptor by Christof
13 Jul 2003, 3:41 PM
This is stunning. Truly, the best poem I've read on this site. I'm suspicious: either we have a cheat among us or just a truly great poet.
I can't imagine where those zeroes come from. This is a 10 above other 10s. To me it's the benchmark of the site.
I can't imagine where those zeroes come from. This is a 10 above other 10s. To me it's the benchmark of the site.
I've felt that!! The puckering lung, both physical and emotional. Dead serious and hilarious at the same time.
Giving you tens (and here's another one) is screwing the bell curve, so just post some substandard work as therapy for your writer's block and everything will be just fine!
Giving you tens (and here's another one) is screwing the bell curve, so just post some substandard work as therapy for your writer's block and everything will be just fine!
on Some Things by Christof
13 Jul 2003, 4:14 PM
Where can I get your book? I can't stop reading your stuff and the computer screen is killing my eyes!
on Extra Strength Tylenol by DurtKL
13 Jul 2003, 4:41 PM
No, It's not mind-bending in it's originality. But, it is well done. Can't we all just get along. *sniff*
on some deleted poem
12 Jul 2003, 3:44 PM
I liked this better than "Always". The jagged feel is is right for how my impulses make me feel. In fact you get my 7 on the feeling alone.
on some deleted poem
12 Jul 2003, 3:57 PM
I must have been put here on this site to counter-ballance your optimism. I wish I could believe in Him. None the less, I always get off on a confident self-assertion. Power must be derived from somewhere.
on Ode to a Pizza Hut Roach by http://mulberryfairy
12 Jul 2003, 4:42 PM
Very cool. I have always thought that noone else but I could sympathize with insects.
The stanza refering to roaches as innocent, uncorrupted lives worthy of saving was perfect.
8's Ahoy!
The stanza refering to roaches as innocent, uncorrupted lives worthy of saving was perfect.
8's Ahoy!
on some deleted poem
12 Jul 2003, 2:36 PM
Are these the new Eminem lyrics? It's good to write in the heat of the moment,but....
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 2:04 PM
By the way, what poem did you get the "Wanker" for?
Are you suicidal, masochistic, or just pissed off.