on the midget of humiliation by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:06 PM
put it asll together, tighter. again, get rid of the extra baggage. say what you mean, and less.
on some deleted poem
19 Aug 2003, 11:19 AM
niiice.
on hermetic by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:06 PM
no. not a buuterfly. god no.
on The invisible man by Hostileintent
14 Aug 2003, 7:27 PM
1. tell me how old you are
2. tell me what your endgame is
3. tell me how far you want me to go.
z
2. tell me what your endgame is
3. tell me how far you want me to go.
z
on some deleted poem
18 Aug 2003, 7:20 PM
what is the wrong question?
on deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:01 PM
is the last scene deleted, bill? because it feels really, really real.
on some deleted poem
20 Aug 2003, 7:57 AM
why the spacing, simon?
on To My Love by sliver
19 Aug 2003, 9:13 PM
on Small Teeth in a Glass Bowl by Fear of Garbage
18 Aug 2003, 5:52 PM
flesh without corpulence, sinewless muscle, afloat despite the lack of gravity: chatter, pearls, chatter. brava!
on Street Talkers (Amnesiac) by Fear of Garbage
18 Aug 2003, 5:54 PM
sometimes i forget you are 16. sometimes, this world you speak of walks over to me. invites me. envelopes me. but then i remember: i am copper. or was it gold?
on some deleted poem
18 Aug 2003, 6:43 PM
may i suggest some ideas to help shape this more to your ends?
macro-cosmic
trinitron--light pollution
remote: an inconstant red dwarf
sighted from your observatory, your bed/sofa
expanding universe/binary stars
and so on so the the analogy is more clearly drawn between astronomy and computer electronics.
macro-cosmic
trinitron--light pollution
remote: an inconstant red dwarf
sighted from your observatory, your bed/sofa
expanding universe/binary stars
and so on so the the analogy is more clearly drawn between astronomy and computer electronics.
on Too Nearly Remembered by AtalantaPendragonne
18 Aug 2003, 6:46 PM
nice job. the word "nearly" in the title bothers me, though.
on Forget I Asked by AtalantaPendragonne
18 Aug 2003, 6:47 PM
this need more meet (pun intended)
on Incomplete by Hostileintent
18 Aug 2003, 12:45 PM
L3: conflict in personification: that/who
L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning
L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one?
if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%.
but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate.
no vote yet.
L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning
L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one?
if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%.
but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate.
no vote yet.
on Memory by Hostileintent
18 Aug 2003, 1:00 PM
hostile,
you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse.
also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme?
no vote yet.
you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse.
also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme?
no vote yet.
on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig
19 Aug 2003, 2:34 PM
[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit:
Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.
Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.
Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.
I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.
Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.
Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.
Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.
Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.
I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.
Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.
on null by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 12:05 PM
bill there are still too many extra words. e.g., what could the bra be _but_ discarded.? etc.
cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
15 Aug 2003, 5:59 AM
pbod,
first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?is
first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?is
on drought on talkin river by richa
14 Aug 2003, 6:45 PM
much much more than youusually give us! smart.
2 quibbles:
1. tarns have mouths? since when? rivers do--not lakes.
2. comma at the end of L5, since the phrase's purpose is to modify.
nice work.
no vote yet.
2 quibbles:
1. tarns have mouths? since when? rivers do--not lakes.
2. comma at the end of L5, since the phrase's purpose is to modify.
nice work.
no vote yet.
on for sue (20030815) by nentwined
15 Aug 2003, 3:27 PM
thanks,, k. um. i mean, um, er, well, you know who you are!!!
xo,
~
xo,
~