on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2003, 12:10 PM
bravo! brava! whatever, hipster-trickster!
on Icarus Down by horus8
13 Mar 2003, 12:11 PM
no! you have undone it, h! some thing has been lost, here. <sigh>
on Falling Out Of Love by Sawa
12 Mar 2003, 3:08 PM
sister Sawa. it will not always be like this.
on first kiss by lost in america
12 Mar 2003, 7:56 AM
'last breath of friendship' is a nice observation.
on what's a henway by thomb tum
12 Mar 2003, 11:24 AM
while you are asleep?
on Departing by scornofangels
11 Mar 2003, 7:39 AM
why is the language in this so arcane? the poem would be much more accessible if it were more vernacular, or, if you were trying to make it sound like a classic Romantic poem, if you stayed with formal usage. I suspect you got the zero becuse you didn't make up your mind.
i won't vote until it's finished. if this is finished, i'll not vote.
i won't vote until it's finished. if this is finished, i'll not vote.
on The lightest touch by INTRANSIT
11 Mar 2003, 7:26 AM
"Wispy swirling white."
very nice sounds, here. nice, the repeat for closure as well.
very nice sounds, here. nice, the repeat for closure as well.
on The lightest touch by INTRANSIT
11 Mar 2003, 7:05 AM
Wispy swirling white.
Flashing ruby fright.
Spinning,(ins. comma) sliding away (delete the period)
as more and more (eh. 'more and more' is so generic. you can say it better)
enter the fray.
Many pass(del. 'on) in the night. (what are you trying to say--they ignore someone stranded?)
(delete 'in)Wispy and swirling white.
Flashing ruby fright.
Spinning,(ins. comma) sliding away (delete the period)
as more and more (eh. 'more and more' is so generic. you can say it better)
enter the fray.
Many pass(del. 'on) in the night. (what are you trying to say--they ignore someone stranded?)
(delete 'in)Wispy and swirling white.
on Waiting to exit by INTRANSIT
11 Mar 2003, 6:40 AM
what is the box? why do you keep calling it a box? is it an icecube?
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2003, 1:56 PM
hey cad--
this line ain't right:
"It hungers desire and hunts for the feast."
"lovers" should be "I heard my lover's scream in her echoes,"
this line is awkward:
"Two hands moving slowly in time unable to stop."
they are obviously able to stop, since they have just been restored (repaired?)
fix these things?
this line ain't right:
"It hungers desire and hunts for the feast."
"lovers" should be "I heard my lover's scream in her echoes,"
this line is awkward:
"Two hands moving slowly in time unable to stop."
they are obviously able to stop, since they have just been restored (repaired?)
fix these things?
on Keanu Vs The mystery of life by Shardik
7 Mar 2003, 1:53 PM
spin it.
on Aries, the God of war by Shardik
7 Mar 2003, 10:52 AM
it would be-HOOVE mr foster to familiarize himself with your oeuvre, as posted on this site (see: plains of africa) as well as the 3rd deinition of the poet's perk:
coin * age n.
1. The right or process of making coins.
2. - Metal currency.
- A system of metal currency.
3.
- A new word or phrase.
- The invention of new words.
coin * age n.
1. The right or process of making coins.
2. - Metal currency.
- A system of metal currency.
3.
- A new word or phrase.
- The invention of new words.
the first 4 stanzas grab me. you need a 5th to complete the structure here:
take my hands (or skin, although touch is usually associated immediately with hands) ...
also, i respectfully suggest that your eyes have *not* failed you--they have taken it all in, and more. maybe your legs failed you--bringing you to where you could partake in these visions? maybe your legs failed you by not bearing you away?
your final stanza is weakest. if you'd like some suggestions for reworking the last, i'll gladly send them along.
z
take my hands (or skin, although touch is usually associated immediately with hands) ...
also, i respectfully suggest that your eyes have *not* failed you--they have taken it all in, and more. maybe your legs failed you--bringing you to where you could partake in these visions? maybe your legs failed you by not bearing you away?
your final stanza is weakest. if you'd like some suggestions for reworking the last, i'll gladly send them along.
z
on this old man (edit) by Bill Z Bub
9 Mar 2003, 5:21 PM
hello mr bub,
some comments on yer pome:
"surreptitiously. "
too long/bland/erudite a word for this poem. it doesn't fit the gist of it. you're all about the things the simple and the simply arrogant want hhere--and besides, they are obvious in their avoidance, are they not? so why the word, bub? it confuses the issue.
"prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers
passing above*,*
snatch*es* the black woolen cap
from his lap. "
i know you're all about the grammar, so i thought i'd throw that at you.
that being said, i like this very much.
but your ending makes him a plant and not a man; by steailing his mobility, you steal his humanity. if by 'barrel' you mean to infer his thirst for the 80 proof, it does not work here..
ta,
z
some comments on yer pome:
"surreptitiously. "
too long/bland/erudite a word for this poem. it doesn't fit the gist of it. you're all about the things the simple and the simply arrogant want hhere--and besides, they are obvious in their avoidance, are they not? so why the word, bub? it confuses the issue.
"prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers
passing above*,*
snatch*es* the black woolen cap
from his lap. "
i know you're all about the grammar, so i thought i'd throw that at you.
that being said, i like this very much.
but your ending makes him a plant and not a man; by steailing his mobility, you steal his humanity. if by 'barrel' you mean to infer his thirst for the 80 proof, it does not work here..
ta,
z
on some deleted poem
9 Mar 2003, 5:13 PM
brandon, how old are you? please respond. z
on some deleted poem
12 Mar 2003, 5:06 PM
you've worked it out beautifully. now seduce him.
on Keanu Vs The mystery of life by Shardik
7 Mar 2003, 2:03 PM
you can do better, though.
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2003, 1:54 PM
yeah. it sure does.