on Broken by Irischer Junge
2 Sep 2003, 9:15 AM
we are always dying. from the moment we are born, from the very first intake into our lungs, we begin to count out the time until we cease to draw air.
on Curiously here by philthegreek
4 Sep 2003, 8:41 AM
this has a nice start, but ye gods! all the extra words!
can glean away some of the little words, to make it cut with a sharper edge?
and, the ending feels like a bit of a cop-out after that details you gave at first.
this has a lot of potential, especially since you have grasped the idea that specific details make a poem real.
can glean away some of the little words, to make it cut with a sharper edge?
and, the ending feels like a bit of a cop-out after that details you gave at first.
this has a lot of potential, especially since you have grasped the idea that specific details make a poem real.
on missing time (revised) by Bill Z Bub
6 Sep 2003, 8:47 PM
honed.
on The Last Day Of Christ by Mr Pig
4 Sep 2003, 9:03 AM
all right pig. first, it's a good idea.
i agree that you don't need baptized--that was john's gig anyway. no apos. in pilums, please, and the spelling you were looking for is "chalice" not:
chal·lis - n. A soft, lightweight, usually printed fabric made of wool, cotton, or rayon.
i think you also meant 'covering' not coveting. christ was never a coveter.
i don't think that the 'consumed by judas' line is working.
the way you have the hammer blows is awkward. hammers strike blows, but only the wind and your favorite girlfriend actually 'blow'.
also, there were be no dew, at noon, the traditional hour of crucifixion.
carpentr dying on wood--very nice.
uttering his final words to the four winds--very pagan notion. did you mean it to be so? heaven and earth would be more of a christian reference.
judas belches from consumption? TB?
resurrection is generally associated with dawn, not sunset, and i think you will need to work this line a little harder to convince me that you meant the irony.
whew.
all in all, lots of good ideas that don't dive into cliche. just needs a tune up. no vote until then, pig.
i agree that you don't need baptized--that was john's gig anyway. no apos. in pilums, please, and the spelling you were looking for is "chalice" not:
chal·lis - n. A soft, lightweight, usually printed fabric made of wool, cotton, or rayon.
i think you also meant 'covering' not coveting. christ was never a coveter.
i don't think that the 'consumed by judas' line is working.
the way you have the hammer blows is awkward. hammers strike blows, but only the wind and your favorite girlfriend actually 'blow'.
also, there were be no dew, at noon, the traditional hour of crucifixion.
carpentr dying on wood--very nice.
uttering his final words to the four winds--very pagan notion. did you mean it to be so? heaven and earth would be more of a christian reference.
judas belches from consumption? TB?
resurrection is generally associated with dawn, not sunset, and i think you will need to work this line a little harder to convince me that you meant the irony.
whew.
all in all, lots of good ideas that don't dive into cliche. just needs a tune up. no vote until then, pig.
on Bury Me at Dead Man's Point by EAger to Offend
4 Sep 2003, 9:21 AM
cool.
on R.O.X. by InvertedEar
4 Sep 2003, 9:22 AM
do you want a comma in s4, after beneath?
nice job, here.
nice job, here.
on Alien Abduction by LuckyJoe
4 Sep 2003, 9:28 AM
this could be half, and more effectively so.
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 9:29 AM
irascible, and tempting.
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 9:32 AM
garn.
on The Banishment of Don Quixote by abecedarian
2 Sep 2003, 7:05 PM
what has changed?
on The empty room by INTRANSIT
2 Sep 2003, 7:10 PM
but you came? and i agree with hh about the inversion.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2003, 9:26 AM
painful, but too close to the bone to make a poem, dan.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2003, 11:55 AM
crystal--it's lost its potential if it is floating around in the bath. i'm not trying to be rude, or cruel. it's just that you seem to lose sight of what's real through those rose colored glasses you wear.
is it my lack of faith that makes me read everything on here with a jaded eye?
no, i think it's that it's been a long time since i've been as innocent as you.
is it my lack of faith that makes me read everything on here with a jaded eye?
no, i think it's that it's been a long time since i've been as innocent as you.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2003, 6:17 PM
indeed you did not.
but it was nicely rendered.
i won't vote, because we have no "transaltion" category, and this work is not your own.
but it was nicely rendered.
i won't vote, because we have no "transaltion" category, and this work is not your own.
on Idle by Irischer Junge
2 Sep 2003, 9:16 AM
maybe she has gone to her reward?
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2003, 11:52 AM
you put the line 'make me wetter' in a poem about jesus?
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2003, 9:23 AM
pretty.
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 9:07 AM
wow, all that scarlet and crimson! hard not to get cliched, here, especially when talking about passion, the heart.
actually, i like the way you used fluid to describe her body. i can easily picture her seductive movements. but i think you should play up on that and instead of 'peaks' use another water metaphor, for consistency. that's my $.o2.
actually, i like the way you used fluid to describe her body. i can easily picture her seductive movements. but i think you should play up on that and instead of 'peaks' use another water metaphor, for consistency. that's my $.o2.
on The Banishment of Don Quixote by abecedarian
3 Sep 2003, 11:06 AM
this line that you love so well is flawed:
as the pen, dragged too deep i' the page in passion
i' and in are the same?
how's:
as the pen, heavy with passion, dragged too deep i' the page, gouged it,
destroying the subsatntive beauty therein.
as the pen, dragged too deep i' the page in passion
i' and in are the same?
how's:
as the pen, heavy with passion, dragged too deep i' the page, gouged it,
destroying the subsatntive beauty therein.