on Fortune cookie by INTRANSIT
3 Jan 2003, 9:02 AM
see also: 'ending' http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
replying on unsent by Bill Z Bub
3 Jan 2003, 6:57 AM
i like crunch berries much much better than fruity pebbles. but i'll take what's behind door #1 any morning, hung over or not.
on Just clubbing fur seals by <{Baba^Yaga}>
3 Jan 2003, 6:44 AM
h--i liked this very much, but it ain't a villanelle. for a tongue-in-cheek, fill-in-the-blanks look at the pattern of a villanelle, see nentwined's "killer boredom butterfly (esoteric). you gotta repeat and exchange the lines, mon frere. and it's all ababababababab rhyming. mayb baba should wright it? she's got the chops and the name for it.
just go on and change this to free verse, and leave it be. there's a few picayunes, but i'll get back to you on those.
ta.
just go on and change this to free verse, and leave it be. there's a few picayunes, but i'll get back to you on those.
ta.
replying on The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit
2 Jan 2003, 10:42 PM
i'm not sure there is enough separation for the contrast to be effective. perhaps you could separate the dark and light with indented phrasing? to give the reader a physical clue as to the sense of shift in mood?
replying on The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit
2 Jan 2003, 10:02 PM
how about 'pry' (to try to force) or 'ply' (to work at repeatedly) silently at ...then it would seem like the creature was trying to get in.
also, 'yellow' sunshine sounds cheery--if dismal is where you are going with this, may i suggest 'yellowed' instead? it feels used, up, aged, nasty.
also, 'yellow' sunshine sounds cheery--if dismal is where you are going with this, may i suggest 'yellowed' instead? it feels used, up, aged, nasty.
on He Told Me Once by anitawit
2 Jan 2003, 9:17 PM
he must enjoy this torture, rapturously. if he stays to be tormented further.
on The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit
2 Jan 2003, 9:15 PM
very evocative and viceral.
in your last line, perhaps the rains could touch/tap at/strum your window (any action as performed by a hand, as that is the metaphor you establish in the line before it)
in your last line, perhaps the rains could touch/tap at/strum your window (any action as performed by a hand, as that is the metaphor you establish in the line before it)
i have made this edit for you to show you what i meant--the text needs to be centered as you had it, but won't translate in the comment box.
Also, you have several verb tenses working against each other--i suggest making it less passive, more active so the poem shows that you are in some way contributing to the path towards the center.
i hope these comments were useful to you, and hope i have not overstepped.
Also, you have several verb tenses working against each other--i suggest making it less passive, more active so the poem shows that you are in some way contributing to the path towards the center.
i hope these comments were useful to you, and hope i have not overstepped.
on unsent by Bill Z Bub
2 Jan 2003, 9:04 PM
ahh. and again. you seducer.
replying on The Day the Winter Muse Fighters of the World Came By by <~>
1 Jan 2003, 7:23 PM
this is for horus/he has been known to act on soap. slippery business, that.
on Star Wars theme by Myte342
1 Jan 2003, 7:13 PM
these aren't the droids we're looking for.
replying on Front, Porch, Swing. by horus8
30 Dec 2002, 12:05 PM
was that for me?
"Scarlet bubbles floating in the patterned air
Dancing their woven path without a single care"
this screams his age; one does not need to look at his profile to confirm it. as for what he was trying to do, well, this stepping stone is not so wobbly as some that i have broached, and my jeans are no stranger to cold, mucky waters.
keep at it ranger. listen to the ones who say you fail--they are the ones who will get your ire to where it needs to be to make yourself leaner, better, stronger.
as for this poem: you knew what you meant; say it with half the words; make ME, the reader, question its existence. k?