on Up for a game? by LuckyJoe
17 Sep 2003, 6:21 PM
cute imagery, flow I think could make this really nice. 7.
on Strung Out On Sunlight by J.B. Manning
17 Sep 2003, 6:17 PM
some nice ideas. I don't feel the flow lends to the feeling of sleep deprivation (even though it may have been created by such; I could find much of one)...
on An Illuminator by hobojo
17 Sep 2003, 6:16 PM
eh?
7 for confusing me because I'm tired of giving out 4's.
7 for confusing me because I'm tired of giving out 4's.
on Those Motherfuckers Have Moved Out And So Have I by JoyLuck
17 Sep 2003, 6:10 PM
this should be under 'concrete', no?
do I really have to make an 'ascii art' category?
[[would people use it if I did?]]
la la la.
cute, given its history.
do I really have to make an 'ascii art' category?
[[would people use it if I did?]]
la la la.
cute, given its history.
on Manila by poetandknowit
17 Sep 2003, 1:58 PM
perfection. [[eloquently painted]]
replying on Cyber Junkie by J.B. Manning
17 Sep 2003, 10:52 AM
i was afraid of that. :)
lines are a bit too tricky, just because I'd rather be sure you mean what's written when reading. But ... that could just be how my mind is working at the moment. I enjoyed the poem regardless. :)
lines are a bit too tricky, just because I'd rather be sure you mean what's written when reading. But ... that could just be how my mind is working at the moment. I enjoyed the poem regardless. :)
on Cyber Junkie by J.B. Manning
17 Sep 2003, 9:36 AM
pleasantly fun. a couple points where I'm not sure if you meant what you say or not (manor or manner? both make sense... "a wisp of wanting breath?" waning? or... I can kinda see wanting, but not quite a wisp of it. leaning towards wanting "separated by our thoughts" to be "separated by our thought" ...
"die" into the depths, or "dive" into the depths? cna see both, but it's not entirely clear that it's not a typo.
7.5, leaning towards 7 for now.
"die" into the depths, or "dive" into the depths? cna see both, but it's not entirely clear that it's not a typo.
7.5, leaning towards 7 for now.
on It's about truckin' by INTRANSIT
17 Sep 2003, 8:11 AM
flow suggestions:
"and doin' the rounds" (drop "the")?
[[why not 13, 15, 18, or thirteen, fifteen, eighteen?]]
(gearing down / keeping control) -> "gearing down for control"
"despite the laws
driving drunk is on the rise"? [nah, not quite] :/
"a means to an end" feels clunky.
"and ontime delivery
of the oxygen keeping grandma alive" (still not quite)
"still delivering a smile" -> "but delivering a smile" (less of a pause, somehow)
8 hoping for more flow, or more pointed stop-and-go (as the <~>-meister states)
"and doin' the rounds" (drop "the")?
[[why not 13, 15, 18, or thirteen, fifteen, eighteen?]]
(gearing down / keeping control) -> "gearing down for control"
"despite the laws
driving drunk is on the rise"? [nah, not quite] :/
"a means to an end" feels clunky.
"and ontime delivery
of the oxygen keeping grandma alive" (still not quite)
"still delivering a smile" -> "but delivering a smile" (less of a pause, somehow)
8 hoping for more flow, or more pointed stop-and-go (as the <~>-meister states)
replying on The empty room by INTRANSIT
17 Sep 2003, 8:03 AM
my impression was that in his mortal guise, according to christian mythology, jesus has generally mortal limitations, other than the odd miracle. thus the separation of the trinity, or whatnot. have I been misled, or are there such significantly different interpretations depending on your sect?
on The empty room by INTRANSIT
17 Sep 2003, 8:02 AM
hilarious. :) 9.
on Night walker by INTRANSIT
17 Sep 2003, 8:00 AM
someone's dame. ;)
a bit weak in the end; I think I needed more syntactic sugar (only imagine "that"), and then... the that before "she'd leave" confuses me. bad sentence. no biscuit. ;)
honestly you could drop the last stanza entirely and I think it would be stronger for it. 15/20. Hmm.
a bit weak in the end; I think I needed more syntactic sugar (only imagine "that"), and then... the that before "she'd leave" confuses me. bad sentence. no biscuit. ;)
honestly you could drop the last stanza entirely and I think it would be stronger for it. 15/20. Hmm.
replying on sitting at the cliff's edge by nentwined
17 Sep 2003, 7:55 AM
:bows:
yeah, I've got a bit too much traffic myself, but... at least I'm just dodging cars on a motorcycle. I'd hate to actually have to sit in it. (daily #*&$(#$ commute; 10-15 minutes if traffic's moving. 20-30 if it's not (on a motorcycle, being relatively safe). up to an hour, with a car, in such circumstances. or three, if it's really bad.
yeah, I've got a bit too much traffic myself, but... at least I'm just dodging cars on a motorcycle. I'd hate to actually have to sit in it. (daily #*&$(#$ commute; 10-15 minutes if traffic's moving. 20-30 if it's not (on a motorcycle, being relatively safe). up to an hour, with a car, in such circumstances. or three, if it's really bad.
replying on sitting at the cliff's edge by nentwined
17 Sep 2003, 7:53 AM
thank you. :)
on A new beginning by hobojo
16 Sep 2003, 1:23 PM
beating you in a miniskirt?
on Cyber Junkie by J.B. Manning
16 Sep 2003, 12:51 PM
not bad. a couple stumbles, but enjoyable. [[I'm am but a slut?]]
on End of year poem by <~>
16 Sep 2003, 9:36 AM
hmmyes. 9.
on End of year poem by <~>
16 Sep 2003, 9:25 AM
I liked "I hold solace in my hand", and though perhaps you could simply do something mure subtle with the ball dropping. waiting for the out bugs me more than the ball, I think. Though it's hard to say. And I don't really "get" stowing solace. an 8, here.
on naive gazer by richa
16 Sep 2003, 8:56 AM
9. nicely done. [Or I'm in a good mood this morning, but I don't quite think it's that]
on naive gazer by richa
16 Sep 2003, 7:18 AM
"the case of the naive gazer *is* aligning the stars*? or... the case? no, I just don't get that.
why a comma after hidden?
and a semicolon after swap?
and a comma after meant?
I think I like this poem but for its structure. or the punctuation. if you're going to have so much, why not actually match it up the way it's "supposed" to go? (or if you're tossing it in randomly, is that meant to be a comment on the stars? everything else seems deliberate...?)
6 as is.
why a comma after hidden?
and a semicolon after swap?
and a comma after meant?
I think I like this poem but for its structure. or the punctuation. if you're going to have so much, why not actually match it up the way it's "supposed" to go? (or if you're tossing it in randomly, is that meant to be a comment on the stars? everything else seems deliberate...?)
6 as is.