on These are not just words by impert&ent
14 Sep 2003, 10:22 PM
Actually, I really like the first and third (last) stanzas. I think it would stand more strongly without the second. But I really like it. :)
on Falling by Lifeboatman
14 Sep 2003, 9:38 PM
cute.
on empty by timvick473662003
14 Sep 2003, 7:45 PM
"staring" not "starring".
a common theme. This doesn't stand out for me.
though a bit of curiousity in "hiding in the shadows" and being afraid of "them all" (the shadows you're hiding in, or all the staring people that aren't there?)
a common theme. This doesn't stand out for me.
though a bit of curiousity in "hiding in the shadows" and being afraid of "them all" (the shadows you're hiding in, or all the staring people that aren't there?)
on tRuNdLe WhEeL by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
14 Sep 2003, 7:44 PM
A couple matters of rhythm bug me, but I like the tone.
on horse ass, whore ass, poor asses by peaceseeker
14 Sep 2003, 7:40 PM
strange.
on Watching My Son Sleep. by Mona Lisa
14 Sep 2003, 7:38 PM
why the dash in snoring?
on < A Perfect Faith > by Mona Lisa
14 Sep 2003, 7:37 PM
I don't get it. :/
on Plastic is Forever by http://mulberryfairy
14 Sep 2003, 7:36 PM
I like this. could use some spit and polish, but I'm not quite sure where. 9.
on my fucking dad by timvick473662003
14 Sep 2003, 7:34 PM
you've got some good (if not overdone) material, but the execution of it leaves room for polish. or a couple more tries. I'd suggest losing the first stanza and getting straight into the action. less generic angst, more bloody details, more specific emotion, less... less of every other poem on this subject.
replying on shit shine by suprembeaner
14 Sep 2003, 7:24 PM
indeed.
is the grammar/spelling part of the poem's point, or just there?
is the grammar/spelling part of the poem's point, or just there?
on Voting on PoemRanker by LuckyJoe
14 Sep 2003, 7:21 PM
hmm.
replying on Voting on PoemRanker by LuckyJoe
14 Sep 2003, 7:21 PM
nicely put. ;)
on Web of darkness: Through a gold eye by suprembeaner
14 Sep 2003, 7:16 PM
this is very strange. it tugs me several directions, so I'll just try to respond to it in a linear fashion.
the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".
"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.
the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.
the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.
and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.
the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".
"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.
the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.
the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.
and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.
on Love has been awoke. (edited, needs new title) by TheVoiceless
14 Sep 2003, 6:44 PM
certainly you've removed the informative. somewhat. your imagery has me solidly confused (a black lump of oxygenated carbon). I can't really feel "a snow cone melting on summer's day" (hmm; nitpick: it should either be "in summer's day" or "on a summer's day"). I can feel "a slow trickle of organs", but don't think it has the tone you're going for? [[rather sublime and gross it is, an interesting idea, but... out of place]]
really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.
("to far gone" should be "too far gone")
the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.
really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.
("to far gone" should be "too far gone")
the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.
on Something Lost, Something Gained by Irischer Junge
8 Sep 2003, 4:14 PM
I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).
to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).
to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
replying on plagiarism txt by daniella
8 Sep 2003, 6:05 AM
I find it a very interesting phenomenon, myself. :)
replying on plagiarism txt by daniella
7 Sep 2003, 5:30 PM
As Saint HAL would say, "Calm down, Dave. Dave. Dave, calm down. Why don't you take a stress pill and think things over?"
on To be discontinued by impert&ent
5 Sep 2003, 9:04 AM
cute, though I think "dis" in the title is overkill. And peeved seems a rather... weak feeling, considering.
replying on plagiarism txt by daniella
5 Sep 2003, 9:03 AM
Though I must say I prefer this one. You should submit it. :)
but no, just using the site is good for me. :) hey, I enjoyed reading the poem. (and that's after going through a dozen 2-4's on the "recent" list (skipping the babel because I didn't have the time to unbabel it)
hmm. shouldn't be here talking. should be either asleep or working on the thing I convinced myself I was going to do before sleeping. ;)