the first two stanzas lead in well. the third stumbles on "fly so high in my dreams" as overly cliched and as such unecessary to say in so many words. also, use of "it seems" unnecessarily is, well, unnecessary and feels like it was just put there to fit the rhyme and rhythm. the rest is rather mediocre. I think you have a wonderful start, though.

:rofl: beautiful. =)

I rather like this. short, simple, sweet (and sour?)

Ooh, good one! =)

whafuck? :)

er, the past. but I can't remember.

cute, but just doesn't do it for me. though I think I've liked it more in t

oy.

this doesn't really catch me, but it feels like it almost did. I like the statement a lot.

for something so short it's really hard to make any sort of suggestion, but I think it would work better for me if it ended with expectation instead of warring -- "sloth warring with expectation"... separating the two more and giving it a stronger punch. maybe.

this sounds more like notes to yourself than a poem, though I appreciate the notes much. :)

I erm, don't really get this, either as a story or as a poem.

this is actually kinda cute. not what I would consider a poem, not even of the freeform sort. but cute.

I think a different title would make the ending of this poem more powerful.

I'm afraid I really don't get this -- it makes too many leaps that I can't connect, fragments of images that could all well be separate poems, or lines from other poems. "Then the ceramic sky...clay-littered ground..." makes me think of 9/11. But all in all I have no idea what you're trying to get at.

Only major nitpick with the poem was I didn't like the repetition of "then" twice (lines 4, 5).

uh.... eh?

I take this very darkly; I'm not entirely sure it was meant that way, but it sounds like incest or pedophilia or some such. very vague. it has a good rhythm. :)

eh?

I... don't get it.

fixed the disappearedness. sorry your edits were lost...

interesting... a little disjoint for my taste.

hmm.