| Re: Transient world by daryash-koh |
10-May-02/9:18 AM |
hmm. I actually like the rhythm building up, but only as taken seriosly; the last line, while ostensibly an amusing twist, doesn't really do it for me.
Maybe if you kept running with the humor and tied it into the poem more?
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| Re: Avian Child by Tekara |
10-May-02/9:14 AM |
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the first two stanzas lead in well. the third stumbles on "fly so high in my dreams" as overly cliched and as such unecessary to say in so many words. also, use of "it seems" unnecessarily is, well, unnecessary and feels like it was just put there to fit the rhyme and rhythm. the rest is rather mediocre. I think you have a wonderful start, though.
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| Re: Enigma by BadPoet |
10-May-02/9:11 AM |
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| Re: Sweetness by swift_enterprises |
10-May-02/9:09 AM |
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I rather like this. short, simple, sweet (and sour?)
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| Re: Grief by ifni |
9-May-02/5:21 PM |
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| Re: I like to run by T.Becquerel II |
9-May-02/5:18 PM |
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| Re: Ahyuim by Modulo |
9-May-02/5:18 PM |
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er, the past. but I can't remember.
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| Re: Ahyuim by Modulo |
9-May-02/5:17 PM |
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cute, but just doesn't do it for me. though I think I've liked it more in t
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| Re: Haiku by Cha no Onna |
9-May-02/5:16 PM |
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| Re: Sloth and Expectation by ifni |
9-May-02/5:02 PM |
this doesn't really catch me, but it feels like it almost did. I like the statement a lot.
for something so short it's really hard to make any sort of suggestion, but I think it would work better for me if it ended with expectation instead of warring -- "sloth warring with expectation"... separating the two more and giving it a stronger punch. maybe.
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| Re: All teeth when not. by ifni |
9-May-02/4:59 PM |
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this sounds more like notes to yourself than a poem, though I appreciate the notes much. :)
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| Re: The Green Emerald by ruella |
9-May-02/4:59 PM |
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I erm, don't really get this, either as a story or as a poem.
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| Re: How much? by T.Becquerel II |
4-May-02/12:05 PM |
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this is actually kinda cute. not what I would consider a poem, not even of the freeform sort. but cute.
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| Re: Sperm Donor Clown by ObiWonKn |
29-Apr-02/12:53 AM |
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I think a different title would make the ending of this poem more powerful.
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| Re: thinking alike in regards to today and tomorrow by skaskowski |
29-Apr-02/12:51 AM |
I'm afraid I really don't get this -- it makes too many leaps that I can't connect, fragments of images that could all well be separate poems, or lines from other poems. "Then the ceramic sky...clay-littered ground..." makes me think of 9/11. But all in all I have no idea what you're trying to get at.
Only major nitpick with the poem was I didn't like the repetition of "then" twice (lines 4, 5).
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| Re: Results by T.Becquerel II |
27-Apr-02/10:05 PM |
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| Re: all sex by roses are read |
23-Apr-02/5:54 PM |
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I take this very darkly; I'm not entirely sure it was meant that way, but it sounds like incest or pedophilia or some such. very vague. it has a good rhythm. :)
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| Re: funny man by roses are read |
23-Apr-02/5:53 PM |
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| Re: in love with jane doe by crin |
23-Apr-02/3:31 AM |
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fixed the disappearedness. sorry your edits were lost...
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| Re: click by crin |
23-Apr-02/3:30 AM |
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interesting... a little disjoint for my taste.
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