on Ethnic Smells by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
30 Jul 2003, 7:46 PM
Is this a cryptic message to your forsakenbro? I aspire to breathe and secrete garlic through my very pores with the best of the extra garlic hummus eaters of this earth.
on some deleted poem
29 Jul 2003, 7:27 PM
Nice, I like the first line especially, and the idea that "it" (the stench?) might recede at night.
on some deleted poem
29 Jul 2003, 7:22 PM
Youch! Sounds like a decendent of Cinderella's and Hansel and Gretal's step- mothers.
on some deleted poem
31 Jul 2003, 9:01 AM
I like how you've captured the credit card woes in this poem. I think the last 2 lines are really good and tell it like it is, but I would change to "Deep in our hardened hearts of clay,/we alter freedom, the American way". Because who is the "our" in "our American way"? I don't think the oppressed people who are the "we" in this poem should have to identify with or own this American way.
I think you were a little too broad in your topics, and though they are all related to oppression, I think you'd do better to capture a smaller piece of this oppression and expand more on it. For example, the languages comment, though legitimate, kind of came out of nowhere and was too much of a statement instead of an exploration, and then the point was made and you moved on to another topic. I think you can do a lot with this piece, even break it into a series of smaller, more detailed poems with the same title for the collection.
I think you were a little too broad in your topics, and though they are all related to oppression, I think you'd do better to capture a smaller piece of this oppression and expand more on it. For example, the languages comment, though legitimate, kind of came out of nowhere and was too much of a statement instead of an exploration, and then the point was made and you moved on to another topic. I think you can do a lot with this piece, even break it into a series of smaller, more detailed poems with the same title for the collection.
on Too obvious by INTRANSIT
30 Jul 2003, 7:00 PM
Solidarity amongst pimples of all colors! Except for those big swollen red ones, those are untouchables.
on The Longest Wait (Revised) by Caducus
30 Jul 2003, 7:04 PM
The rhythm seems very lyrical, whether intended or not, but then the quality is broken abruptly with these longer lines. Maybe I've been reading too much rhyming poetry. But the words and images are a great start, just seem to need a little rearranging.
on To You, In Warmer Climes by <~>
30 Jul 2003, 7:20 PM
This is so beautiful and exact, it reminds me to miss fall and winter in Maine even more. Who are these wimps who can't handle the cold? I say bring it on. This lousy "vacationland" sunshine is giving me seasonal affective disorder. 10
on Vichyssoise, then murder by horus8
30 Jul 2003, 7:26 PM
Awesome. I like it all, but these lines " keep well refrigerated, yet awakening too.
If I can keep my temper down and your
tolerance high. The mess will be
worth cleaning up."
are perfect. 10
If I can keep my temper down and your
tolerance high. The mess will be
worth cleaning up."
are perfect. 10
on HATE by forsaken'sbigbro
29 Jul 2003, 7:07 PM
I wonder too if there is hope for someone w/ so much hate. Sounds like a lonely life that you've captured here. Have you seen American History X? Sad story about how people take advantage of angry white young men and misdirect the anger that's built up in their lives due to having hard, crappy lives.
on Cooking Class [Revised] by DreamerSupreme
29 Jul 2003, 7:18 PM
Too bad it was a vegetarian cooking class. Did you still get credit for the class? I became a vegetarian after going to a southern family reunion during which a whole pig was cooked and this, therefore brings back very nauseating vivid memories- "its grease slipping slowly like sweat" is such a perfect description, 9.
on Sonnet for a Suicide by <~>
29 Jul 2003, 7:31 PM
I like how you showed the various emotions of a mother at a scene like this, her first reactions, to check on her own son and then worry about his shoes, both serious and trivial, were perfect.
on DJ Bling Bling spins authenticity by Jeremi B. Handrinos
29 Jul 2003, 7:35 PM
Nice job. Put an apostrophe in musics (music's). Aren't contractions allowed in Haiku?
on some deleted poem
28 Jul 2003, 7:35 PM
Is this in response to "Dildo"- this trying to show the good sides of ownership (versus rentership)? I'll be a rock renter for life. But, possessiveness is pretty human.
on You wash up, I forget. by Bachus
28 Jul 2003, 7:41 PM
I liked "I decline out of guilt and fear and love and space." The "My mind concludes/ To much weight./For such a short time." is confusing unless "to" is supposed to be "too" and there is not supposed to be a period after weight. But you are right, bathtubs aren't made for two.
on Octopussed by <{Baba^Yaga}>
28 Jul 2003, 7:42 PM
My heart goes out to that innocent octopus. Nice storytelling.
on Killing Ben Afleck by Shardik
27 Jul 2003, 3:59 PM
FYI: a little sound bite that was on netscape said this, thought you'd appreciate:
"New Breed of Men: Metrosexuals
Metrosexual: (noun) Of or pertaining to a straight, urban male who is eager to embrace and even show off his feminine side, especially when it comes to expensive haircuts, designer suits, and $40 face cream. And thanks to a certain type of male celebrity (read: David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, and Ben Affleck), it's now cool for a man to own 43 pairs of Bruno Magli shoes, wear moisturizer, and paint his nails. At least, that's what The New York Times and a handful of papers around the globe say. "
"New Breed of Men: Metrosexuals
Metrosexual: (noun) Of or pertaining to a straight, urban male who is eager to embrace and even show off his feminine side, especially when it comes to expensive haircuts, designer suits, and $40 face cream. And thanks to a certain type of male celebrity (read: David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, and Ben Affleck), it's now cool for a man to own 43 pairs of Bruno Magli shoes, wear moisturizer, and paint his nails. At least, that's what The New York Times and a handful of papers around the globe say. "
on Dildo (formerly titled "It") by http://bandgeek
27 Jul 2003, 12:55 PM
I think the marriage metaphor works, otherwise, I would think kayak.
on some deleted poem
30 Jul 2003, 7:28 PM
nice. I like "lover-lit parks".
on some deleted poem
30 Jul 2003, 7:33 PM
Like the addition(?) of "After so long in the swamp". 9
on some deleted poem
29 Jul 2003, 7:11 PM
Yeah, I'd rather go naked than wear fur, but I'm not sure I want to admit to swallowing.